Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:my_voice_rising says:
Hello! So sorry for my late review, but I'm finally here with your request. I've heard a lot of good things about your stories, and I'm excited to begin!

First paragraph in and I'm already hooked. It's so unique; we rarely read about this period in history on HPFF unless it's a founders story. (I have no idea when Hogwarts was actually founded... but I'm guessing somewhere along here.) Your language really suits the time period! One thing I've noticed is that your sentences could be shortened. I'm guilty of run-on sentences too, but it's much easier for the reader to understand if the sentences are shorter!

Another thing I'm noticing is that they sigh a lot xD It's very easy to write, as it conveys a certain kind of emotion so simply. But imagine if you were actually listening to somebody who sighed three or four times in as many minutes. It'd sound a bit stange, yeah?

You've really developed your characters quite well! From what I can recall, we know very little about the three brothers other than what was written in the fairy-tale, but you've already given us so much information about their history and the way they treat one another within the first few paragraphs. Nicely done!

A lot of what I'm noticing is some shortening that could be done. Shorter sentences have more impact, in my opinion ;3 For example, when dialogue is clearly being said by a specific person you could leave it with just the dialogue. "We survived, did we not?" was clearly said by Cadmus, and the punchiness of not including a "convinced Cadmus" adds humor to his line, and the light-hearted scene in general. Or "Well done, Cadmus," is clearly a compliment--you could just move that line up into the previous paragraph and we'd know who's talking. Another example is "Cadmus set off in the lead, and the three brothers galloped forward. Their horses picked up speed," which is a bit redundant. If the horses are already galloping forward, then we can assume they've picked up speed :3

Just some places like that around the chapter that could use some tidying up. You're a really good story-teller! It's just important that the first chapter can get "to the point" enough to draw a reader in, without skimping on the detail. I think by trimming the excess phrases, you could totally achieve this!

I like how Victoire seems to have gotten her mother's personality, while Dominique seems more like her father. The transition between scenes was also nice. It went from a very somber, kind of suspenseful moment with Death to the trifles of wedding napkins.

Gah! I love reading about older-Harry, and I think you've got him spot on. Going from loving uncle to serious boss in a matter of nanoseconds is perfect. I also really liked that Dominique is an outsider to her cousins. (Another good spot to do some weeding is in that paragraph; where you say "her cousins" quite a bit when "them/they" would suffice.) Usually we read about the Potter-Weasley clan as this big, hyperactive group of troublemakers. I like this take, it's quite refreshing. I feel like she and Harry could relate and maybe have a special bond, both feeling estranged from their families--whether Lily/James or the Dursleys--in different ways.

I think her personality also lends itself well to the idea of invisibility. She's often viewed just as that to her cousins, and even to Victoire, it seems. You've set up some really nice parallels between she and Ignotus. I'm a sucker for crack-ships anyway, but this is nicely done!

Gah! She already ruined the cloak! Oh no. I like this twist. It makes us ask questions and want to know what could happen to her.

My only serious critiques have been mentioned. I think if you found a beta-reader who's good at shortening sentences, it would really help you out! We just need to be able to see the "meat" of the story, if you know what I mean.

All in all, brilliant start! Feel free to re-request in the future.

Author's Response: Oh my goodness!! Wow, thank you so much for you incredible review!!

I can't tell you how thrilled I was to see this with all of your input. It really was so beneficial to me. You gave me a lot of input that I hadn't heard before, so I really appreciate it. As for the lengthy sentences, I'll to work on that. :)

Really thank you SO much for your input and I'm glad you seemed to have enjoyed the story a fair amount.

Again, thanks so much! I'll be taking all your words to heart and hopefully I can come request another review from you sometime soon!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 393
Submit Report: