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Review:ShadowRose says:
Hi there, it's ShadowRose from the forums, with your requested review!

I absolutely adore the descriptions in this chapter. As Ambrosia walks to the house, you can just picture everything so clearly, and it really plays up the mysterious tone. The area sounds just like somewhere that Bellatrix and the others would live - worn-down and abandoned, fallen from glory.

Speaking of Bellatrix, I love what you've done with her character. As you said, she's nicer since she's in the presence of her family, and you do a good job or portraying that, but also holding onto Bellatrix's maniacal and obsessive love of the Dark Lord, which is made perfectly clear in the way she speaks of him.

Obviously we haven't really gotten to know Ambrosia yet, but she seems like an interesting character to begin with: part of the Black family and Death-Eaters-to-be, but a little bit skeptical of the whole thing too.

It might help the flow of the chapter if you change the spacing so that everything is a little closer together, and easier on the eyes. The giant gaps can be a little straining, especially if the paragraph is only a line or so long.

Also, the ending seemed a little abrupt, and kind of out of nowhere. Maybe you could come up with some sort of closing paragraph to kind of wrap it up?

Overall, this story looks extremely promising!

-ShadowRose

Author's Response: Hi Shadowrose,

Thank you for reviewing for me! I have to say I had a great deal of fun with the opening scene for this chapter - I first wrote it a long time ago, but the decrepit street by the graveyard, draped in ivy, has never changed in my head, and I'm glad that my description of it seems appropriate!

I love Bellatrix's character and always have. I can't imagine Bellatrix without that maniacal and obsessive love, as you so aptly describe it. I have done my best to include that part of Bellatrix wherever I can when I write her, because the Dark Lord is very much the center of her world. I look forward, as well, to contrasting the nicer side of Bellatrix with the side of her that comes out to fulfill her Master's more violent wishes. I haven't quite decided how Ambrosia is going to feel about that yet!

Anyway, I'm glad you found Ambrosia interesting - I certainly intend for her story to be a unique one, and she needs some elements in her personality that most Blacks don't usually show in order to make that happen.

I am also very glad that you pointed out the abruptness of the ending! This chapter and my second one used to be fused, but the end result was long and unwieldy, so I made the decision to divide that old version of chapter one. I've been wondering for a while now if perhaps that decision was a bad one. I don't think I'll end up reuniting them, but I will definitely look again at the end of this chapter and see if I can make it smoother somehow. The spacing is revised as I write this reply, and I hope that that will make for an easier read.

Thank you again for all of your comments, and I am very glad you enjoyed it! :)

-Warrior


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