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Review:Arithmancy_Wiz says:
Hello again! Back (finally) for review number two.

I thought this was another really solid chapter. It was great to see some more of what life is like for Louis. I think you're doing a great job capturing this sort of stage in life. He has a job and is technically an adult, but he's still living a bit like a teenage boy might if left on his own. His flat is messy, his mom still does his laundry, and his friends are all about having a good time, and yet he has this very important job. It's a cute and very real-to-life scenario.

It's nice the way you're injecting a bit of humor into the story too. I think that's one of the best benefits of writing in 1st person POV, and you're making really good use of it. It isn't that Louis is trying to be funny, but his sort of go-with-the-flow observations make you smile and make him really likable and relatable as a character.

You mentioned flow in your AoC so I'll hit on that again here. Like in the first chapter, I thought your movement from scene to scene was really well done. You're really good with the transitions, moving Louis from one physical place to the next. The sentence: When my colours were washing themselves by magic we went back up to the kitchen and she fixed us some tea and laid out a plate of chocolate chip cookies. It's simple, but it gets the job done really effectively. It's tempting to want to show every little thing happening: the characters walking up the stairs, opening the cabinets, etc. But it's just filler. This was a great way to move things along. There are still a few sentence construction issues that break up the flow a bit, but from the narrative side, it's nicely done.

You also mentioned plot and interest, which I wanted to wait to comment on until I'd read this chapter. In two chapters, you've managed to set a lot in motion: the new job, the attacks, Louis's less than ideal living arraignment, Victoire's big news. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out and what more you'll add as you go. If I were going to offer any CC in this area, I might suggest looking for ways to set up the ending of your chapters with a hint of what's to come. This chapter ends with Louis heading off to bed, which is a very natural ending point, but as a reader, I don't really have any idea what tomorrow holds for him. Obviously you don't want to give away all the surprises, and not everything has to be a cliffhanger, but as a reader, I'd be much more compelled to head straight to the next chapter if I had an inkling of what might happen next. Perhaps Louis plans to talk to his boss about the job, or Victoire about her secret. It doesn't really matter, as long as it's a glimpse into what's to come. Perhaps try and find ways to leave the reader thinking not just "I can't wait to see what happens next," but "I can't wait to see how a certain situation plays out." It makes us feel more engaged if we think we know what's going to happen, even if you the author come along and prove us all wrong!

Sorry it took me so long to get this second review up. I've really enjoyed having the chance to read your story. Please feel free to re-request any time :)

Author's Response: Thanks again for the feedback. I'm glad you were able to find humor in it without it being the obvious humor because the casual humor is really the only type of humor that I'm accustomed to writing. Humor is by far the hardest genre for me to write, which is why I'm trying to tackle it more in this story.

Also, your comment about leaving more of a cliffhanger at the end makes sense. I'm going to try to write chapter endings where they're more open from now on, instead of closing it after all the conflict/issue is resolved in each chapter. I think the next chapter is left more openly since I had to cut it off to avoid having a long chapter.

Thanks again!
Leslie


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