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Review:Elphaba and Boyfriends says:
Hi, I'm here from the review battle!

First off, I really like the rapid-fire pace of Ally's thoughts and dialog. They feel authentic and help the story zip along at a brisk pace. I also like how Ally introduces the various characters who hang out at her parents' bar.

I think there are some issues with punctuation, mostly places where periods or commas should be added. Even with fast paced writing like this, there should be places to pause for breath. Here's an example: "When I was sick I told mum it was sun stroke and the other times that I must have ate something funny." I would just add a comma after "stroke."

I assume that Ze is Hazel's nickname, but it came as a jolt when Ally suddenly switched from calling her Hazel to calling her Ze. It might help to stick with one or the other, or explain the nickname the first time it's used.

I like that you don't reveal that Neville is Ally's father until she imagines the future headline in the paper -- that detail comes as a nice surprise. I would think he'd try to shield her from that type of scandal, but I can also imagine Rita Skeeter pouncing on a bit of juicy gossip like that.

Ooo, I wonder who the three potential fathers could be? I like the cliffhanger that you end the chapter on; it definitely gives me some incentive to read on. :)

Author's Response: Hello,

Punctionation isn't one of my strong points but I will go back and check over and the necessary commas' and periods should be.

Yes, Ze is Hazel's nickname. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll make to mention it's her nickname when I edit this.

I think Neville would try to shield her as well and that even after the war he would say Harry was the hero not him.

Thank you for reading, reviewing anf giving me advice!!!

-Potterfan310
Soph x


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