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Review:Jchrissy says:
I'm finally here for chapter 2!! Yay!!

I really liked the way your started us off with his exhaustion and his thoughts about the difficulty he has sleeping with the friends home. I think most people would agree that when you're exhausted, even a cough is too loud :P

I really enjoyed the more character driven aspects of this chapter. Learning about Louis and his flat mates was a lot of fun. They seem very close. Close enough to get on each others nerves but also to really care about one another. I loved that they insisted he go out and celebrate the promotion and that they seemed so proud of them. I think showing us his life and the sort of people involved in it helps a lot to paint a clearer picture of his character.

The descriptions surrounding his absolute repulsion at getting back out of bed made me giggle. I was there myself about three hours ago :P. And we got to learn more about his family! I love when Fleur and Bill aren't left out of a next gen story :wub face: and I really enjoyed the motherly approach you took to Fleur. I think it would make a lot of sense for her and Molly to end up with some similarities. Fleur's been part of the family for some time now, and it's natural to pick up some habits from her mother in law... like always having treats around.

I was also happy that you gave her her own characteristics. Especially her dislike for gossip. I'm going to guess that Victoire is pregnant?!

I've always heard you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mom and sisters, so Louis absolutely has some bonus points going on right now for seeming like a caring brother. Oh! The detail about what he did to his clothes when he didn't separate them! That made me giggle. I leaned that I'm terrible at using bleach when I first started doing my own laundry ;).

I was relieved that his friends didn't push him into drinking too much, and he still got to go out for his celebration. I think you're painting a really lovely picture of Louis. This chapter gave us so much in terms of character development, and I love feeling like I really have an idea of who this person is.

I did notice a quite few comma splices that created some really long run on sentences and disturbed your otherwise smooth feel. Like this one:
-- Green flames whoosh’d me away, other fireplaces blurring in my peripheral vision as I zoomed toward my destination, then I found myself stumbling into the living room of my childhood home, tracking ash onto the rug.

You have three independent clauses in that sentence. I think changing it up to something like:
Green flames whooshed me away and I could just make out the blur of other fireplaces in my peripheral vision. Seconds later, I found myself stumbling into the living room of my childhood home, tracking ash into the rug.

--
I'm a terrible comma splice offender, so I think I tend to notice them more now, haha.

This second chapter was really great, though. I loved seeing the more intimate parts of Louis life and can't wait to read the next chapter!

Jami

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing, Jami! I'm glad you're still enjoying the story. More action will start to happen in the next chapter, I just wanted to set up Louis's character before jumping in so I'm glad you enjoyed seeing the character development I provided in this chapter. Also, I'm glad you found the bits like the laundry scene amusing as humor is really hard for me to write and that's definitely one of the genres are I'm trying to tackle while writing this story.

Yeah, I'm trying hard not to go overboard on commas as much, but they still slip by. I am getting better than I had gotten. But yeah, still need to work on breaking up sentence lengths so not to overuse commas. Also, I went back and fixed that sentence you mentioned because you were right about it messing up the flow of the narrative. Thanks for pointing it out. (: Hope you continue to enjoy the story.


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