Hello! Here for your requested review.
This was indeed a very unique piece of writing. I loved the way you expressed Draco's thoughts in these short clipped sentences. I also liked your creativity of not using any apostrophes and dialogue, that was pretty good.
I also liked your descriptions, if you can call them "descriptions". They were very simple and not elaborate at all, and yet they were suited to the mood. For instance, the "description" of the coffee shop scene was done well - "he stared out the grimy window", "he heard the bell jangle", etc. However, not much scene was set, and there was hardly any imagery, but I think that it is acceptable in such a piece because the focus is one emotions, mood, and the theme, and not on the action or the scene.
Draco was portrayed well. Even though we didn't really see much of his "characterisation", he seemed to be along the lines of canon. His fear, guilt, angst, was all justified and expressed nicely. I'd have liked to see a little bit more of Astoria (through Draco's eyes) maybe. Maybe you could include one more segment before "In the end she approached him..." one where you shed more light on her.
The story flowed really smoothly and I was engrossed while reading. I think you used the quote very well too. The ending was a bit off though, not really going with the fluidity of the rest of the piece. Maybe you should consider rephrasing the last three sentences, in particular - "And the song of Draco had ended." and "But the song of Draco and Astoria had only just begun."
Besides the little suggestions I provided (feel free to take them or ignore them), I really liked this. You managed to capture the main elements of the plot well in such a short word count. I won't say that the story felt "complete" as I'd have liked more description and scene setting to declare it complete, but the mood and the main elements were still shown, so that's good enough.
The writing style is different of course, and I liked it too, but I'd suggest to not "adapt" it. You could always try something like this again - it is good for occasional one-shots but definitely not for longer pieces. You could always mix in this writing style with the normal style though when you want to portray real angst - I usually do a mix and match =)
Over all, this made for a good read. It was certainly a very well-made attempt at something new. I am glad you explored your creative talents here. Keep stretching your writing abilities!
Author's Response: Hello!
I rely on dialogue (and apostrophes) far too much, so I wanted to give a piece without those two things a shot. I cheated a little by making sure that the word count was small as well!
Oh, my goodness! You cannot believe how you've made my day, just by saying that you liked my descriptions (let's ignore the fact that they barely classify as descriptions)! I'm terrible at them, so it means a lot to me that you think I did well with them!
You're right in that the piece focuses on only a few elements in a story. This was partly because of the self-imposed word limit, and partly because I was being a bit lazy. I'm glad that you still thought it worked out okay in the end!
I know the ending needs a bit of reworking. Astoria kinda just pops out of nowhere and things move along really quickly with absolutely no development of character on her part. If I ever get around to reworking this, I'll be sure to keep your suggestions in mind!
And I think this writing style really was just a bit of a one-off. I can see how it just wouldn't work for longer pieces at all, especially considering that I'd need to pad it out with description and characterisation, and whatnot!
And thank you for your lovely review and suggestions!