AditiDraco95 from the forums, here for your requested review.
Well, I must say I really liked this chapter a lot. It is, by far, my favourite, maybe because we got to see more of Astoria's familial relations =) This also completed the "unfinished" part of the previous chapter (or I should say part one) very neatly and smoothly, and I liked the way a continuity was maintained.
I really liked that you explored the relationship between Astoria and Daphne here. I loved getting a glimpse into Daphne's mind (in the beginning). It was sweet how you showed that she indeed cared about her sister a lot, and worried for her, and the way she was sort of "tired" with Pansy. I also liked her interaction with Draco and the way she sort of took out her anger on him - served him right.
I also liked the way you have characterised Astoria's parents. It was all expressed quite realistically, so good job. I found her mother to be particularly horrible though, I am not sure if that was your intent, but if it was, you definitely got the point across!
I also really liked Daphne's yearning for Astoria to be "normal". I think that sentence - "All Daphne wants is for Astoria to be normal." - was very powerful and had a great role in the chapter, and in defining Daphne's character. Even though she's not the main character, I always think that minor/supporting characters should be given enough place in the story too - and enough insight as well - so I am pleased you did that.
I liked the part where Astoria reads the segment on Gluttony in the book and then compares how her family is defined by it. That was very nicely done. The later part made me feel sad though, at how she decides to avoid being a glutton and follows in Pansy's footsteps. The build up you provided in part one matched well with the "consequences" in this chapter. The sin ultimately did become a part of her personality and that was shown cleverly.
Over all, Astoria was once again portrayed very well here. The sin of gluttony definitely showed through prominently - combining parts one and two, so good work. Her emotions, of relief on finding out that Colin didn't say anything to anyone, of guilt when seeing her food, of shame as she realizes her family is a glutton and so is she, and her determination as she throws away her food, were all expressed wonderfully in a couple few words. It was not directly highlighted upon yet they came through to me, and I loved that.
It was a sensitive issue indeed, yet you managed to express it properly and diplomatically, without leaving out Astoria's feelings on the subject.
The entire chapter - part one and part two - flowed well together. The transitions were smooth as well, be it from present to past, or from one segment to another. I was pleased to see that this chapter was not wordy at all and all of your sentences were very easy to follow. There were no grammar issues either except one small typo that I spotted here:
“What are you doing here?” she asks, a slight tone of concern in your voice.
- you switched to second person there by mistake.
As for CC, I don't have any for you in this chapter. You have been doing a great job with this story, and so far, I am satisfied with the way you tie in the sins with Astoria, and justify it all.
Good going! Keep writing!
P.S. I am sorry if this review didn't seem very helpful and detailed as my previous ones, but I am kind of exhausted right now, so can't think too straight too much! Sorry about that. I hope you don't mind. Feel free to re-request =)
Author's Response: Hello Angie! ♥ I'm really sorry for the delay in this response; I'd planned to reply earlier but things came up IRL. Sorry about that! :/
Aww, thank you so much! This chapter is competing with the last one for my favourites, because I have a penchant for writing Colin Creevey since I started this story! :P But it's great to hear the familial relations were what made this chapter your favourite, since there are more familial relations in the next chapter.
Haha, thanks! It certainly serves Draco right! I wanted to show how the bullying on Astoria impacts Daphne as well - how she's torn between defending her sister and standing by, and it's great to hear that you liked her!
Letitia Greengrass is definitely a horrible person! What made her that way is a tale for another story, but yes - and I think part of her horrible-ness comes from no-one daring to point out how bad her behaviour is.
Ahh, thank you! I've had that sentence in my head ever since I started this story, and I'm really pleased that you thought it was powerful! :) I agree about minor characters needing their place in a story, although occasionally main characters need the attention. :P
Thank you! I had trouble trying to work out how Astoria would recognize that her family were gluttonous, and then I thought I could revisit the book and have it recurring. It's excellent to hear that you think it tied in well with the story, since it wasn't planned! XD
Thank you so much, and yay! Story flow and semi-colons are my enemies, so it's great to hear that I'm conquering them so far at least! And thanks for pointing out that typo! XD I didn't spot it! But I've now corrected it. :)
Thank you so much, and I certainly will!