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Review:Arithmancy_Wiz says:
Hi, Leslie. I'm here with your requested review. Since I plan on reviewing both chapters, I'm going to save my comments on plot and interest until after I've read the second chapter. That way I'll have more of a feel for the story and hopefully offer better, more useful feedback. But on with the first review!

I was so excited to see in your request that you're trying something new with this story. It's so easy to stick with a single voice and carry it through all of your writing, so congratulations on giving something new a shot. That's really fantastic.

You picked a really great spot to start this story. Right away, Louis has this big decision to make. He's young, but he's reached that point in his career where he's going to have to start making tough choices on his own. That, combined with ongoing werewolf attacks, really draws the reader into the story right from the start.

I also really liked how you used Louis's indecision to give the reader a glimpse into who he is as a character. It's pretty telling that his first response to the offer is surprise that anyone would think he could be helpful. But even though he seems kind of intimidated by the whole thing, his desire to help people is stronger than his fear.

The scene at the end with Ethel was super cute. It was nice to see this funny moment after the heavier internal thoughts at the start of the chapter and learning about all the terrible things that are happening. It added some great balance.

You mentioned character voice and flow in your review request so I'll finish up my comments with those. Overall, I thought you did a great job with the first person and getting inside of the "male mind." The POV was consistent throughout and easy to follow. Right from the start, we just sort of slipped into Louis's thoughts, and it carried very naturally through until the end of the chapter.

The flow of the chapter as a whole was also good, moving from the internal thoughts to the scene with Ethel to the final thoughts on what Louis might do next. But sometimes the sentences themselves were a bit choppy. I picked out a few just as examples.

-- Being the youngest to Victoire and Dominique, I had never been looked up to.

-- Teddy's father had been a werewolf and passed the gene on to his son even if Teddy never had shifted himself, he still managed somehow to passed it on to his son.

-- The only reason that I had been made aware of this nervous tick was because my sisters had always laughed at me for it growing up.

-- That's probably going to be the key that helps me decide on whether to accept my supervisor's offer or not. Even if there's no cure, I still feel like I had to at least try to find the werewolf responsible for the crime.

The last one is a bit odd only because those are the only two sentences written mostly in present tense. With the other examples, it's more like the sentences are more complicated than they need to be. The third one, for example, is 26 words. Something like: I only knew about the tick because my sisters teased me about it when I was a kid -- that's eight words shorter and avoids the sort of awkward past-tense phrasing that often occurs when using too many "hads." Same with the first example. Something like: Being the youngest, I was never looked up to. That's shorter and there's no need for the "had never been" phrase. These are just examples, of course, and hopefully it doesn't seem like I'm nitpicking. But since you mentioned flow, being as economical as possible really goes a long way in making the writing feel clean, the chapters easier to read, and it pumps up the action of the moment.

Overall, this was a really great start to your story. I'll be back very soon to review chapter two! Oh, and of course, thanks for requesting. I love any excuse to read next-gen stories!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the in-depth review. I really did appreciate it, especially those critiques on sentence structure (I've already gone back and edited those sentences you pointed out and am trying to be more conscious of how I'm structuring my sentences in future chapters). I'm also glad that you thought I did a good job writing in first person from a male POV because this is the first multiple chaptered story that I've chosen to write in first person; usually I stick to third person because it's what I'm comfortable with. But here I wanted to do something different to tilt me off balance. So, I'm really glad that you found it consistent for the most part aside from those few clunky structure issues.

And I've gone back and fixed the last two sentences, too. I had originally written this in present tense, but changed my mind and I guess I just forgot to switch those sentences into past tense like the rest of it. Thanks so much for the feedback! It was really helpful. (:


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