Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:adluvshp says:
Hey there!

This plot is definitely quite original as I hardly ever come across stories written from Hermione's POV that portray her as a normal teenage girl, and not the brightest witch of her age (or the extreme - as someone utterly gorgeous etc.). I liked your characterisation of her and the thought process. I liked the way you briefly touched upon her anger with Ron and irritation with Cormac. Good work there.

I also liked the way you wrote Cormac's dialogues, they seemed very in-character which was good. I am not sure if he talks like "what do ya say" though, so maybe you should polish his lines a bit.

Another CC I have for you is that perhaps you shouldn't jump into your story action instantly. This is the first chapter so you should build up to the events. If you don't want the entire chapter to be introductory, you should at least have a first paragraph that establishes the setting and explains the situation, before coming to Hermione's rant.

Also, more description would have been a nice touch to the narrative, as this was a little too short. Moreover, Hermione is someone who analyses and thinks a lot, so more description would have made it a lot more believable. A balance between description and dialogue usually makes the story flow smoother as well, so maybe you should work on that.

But apart from that, this seems like a pretty acceptable start to the story. You ended this chapter at an interesting note too which is nice. Your plot seems to be headed in a good direction so do continue writing.


Author's Response: AditiDraco95-

First of all, thank you for the ridiculously long and detailed review, it makes me happy that someone chooses to take so much time to leave a review that long :)

With this story, this first chapter was just kind of a "write-and-post" where I had inspiration to write it, wrote it, and then just posted it without really editing it. I am going to go back and edit this chapter though once I have the second chapter (edited of course) posted and my other stories updated.

I think Cormac is one of those player sort of guys who will go after whoever strikes his fancy and once he's got them and done what he wants then he'll just leave them because he's found someone new. But even though I'm a hardcore Dramione shipper, I might end this with Hermione and Cormac together. :)

I usually have more description than I did in this chapter, but like I said earlier, I just wrote this without really thinking of plot lines and important details. I will add some more of Hermione analyzing things in the next chapter (I made sure to do some of that--i.e. more thought process and such).

The next chapter takes place at dinner this same night and then later on the same day. I'll try to make sure I keep your ideas and comments in mind! Thanks again for the lovely and thoughtful review! :) xx

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 977
Submit Report: