What a captivating introducing to your novel :)
Hello, its soapman333 from the forums to (finally) get that review for you all written up :D.
This story is well-written, articulate, and has a superb flow. I respect your writing style. It takes a great load of talent to be able to describe the setting to such perfection. I could visualize the scene outside the window as Melanie ate with her family. It was all very detail oriented, and that really made my mind "see," for lack of a better word, what it was that caught Melanie's attention.
The section of this work where Melanie could not properly organize herself really made me smile. I'm not familiar with the whole "make-up routine," but, if I was, I'm sure I'd be in the same boat as Melanie with mascara smeared everywhere.
That all being said, the narrative voice was very precise and elegant. Not entirely something I'd connect to a seventeen year old's voice, but it seems to fit well with the story. Melanie must be very "mature" for her age.
I'm a huge fan of greek mythology, so I was just geeking out when you added in the "zyphr" to describe the wind. Although, I'm guessing Melanie must be extremely educated to be able to easily come up with that type of word choice. That's very intriguing. So, I'm guessing she must also come from a very wealthy/elite family to be so well educated.
Just connecting the dots ;)
Obviously, by the decor of the home and the manners of those visiting the house, she's an elite. I'm just observing that the way she presents herself and thinks also points towards a wealthier way of living :D. It's all just interesting to read.
Okay, so she gets a letter from Draco, and I'm surprised she doesn't open it right away. I have a few theories on this front (I like to make guesses about what will happen, just to see if I'm right.):
1-Draco is a family friend: Eh, sure Draco is relatively important in her life. Just not important enough for her to get all that excited about something he has to say. Basically, he has become a sort of brother in her life. Maybe this relationship will develop into something more, but, right now, she's content with the friendliness between each other; therefore, she doesn't feel the need to read the letter.
2-Draco is an acquaintance: She knows of him, and, perhaps, has written to him before. Their relationship isn't to the point where she feels a sense of excitement when receiving something from him, because he is so foreign to her. He's like that friend you make in classes. You talk to this friend, but the conversation is limited to school/work, and you two never speak outside of that class. Ultimately, her interactions with him are to the point, right now, where she doesn't feel the need to rip the letter open and pour over his words.
3-Draco is a former lover: Well, maybe not a "lover" because she is only seventeen, but they reached a level in their relationship where they both agreed to want something more than friendship. They broke it off, and so she doesn't feel the urgency to read anything from him anymore. He's not such a big part of her life at this point.
As you can see, you left much room for a wide interpretation for your ending. I think that's just brilliant. It keeps readers like me on our toes. I probably guessed wrong, but it's fun to input my theories anyways.
As for CC, I love your descriptions, but I would sometimes zone out and have to go back and re-read a section of the narrative. This is probably because I have: 1) the emotional range of a teaspoon and 2) a problem with keeping myself on task (perhaps some form of ADD). The verbose descriptions add a sense of "romance" (as in the Romantic form of writing, not, necessarily, the passionate type) which is what I like about it all :) You are a very talented author, I just continuously lost focus. Please don't take that the wrong way.
Okay, now your characters:
Melanie-I mentioned this earlier, but she's a very intriguing character: very mature for her age, has much leisure time, and is perfect for narrating this story (well, from what I've read).
Parents: The childhood stories about her parents made me smile. They don't seem so close now, which is a shame :/. Oh well, it's all part of the story.
Jackie: Oh man, she's the sweet/caring/supportive character in this story. Gotta love these characters. They always gain the reader's sympathies, and seem to know the right thing to say.
Draco: I'm not usually a fan of Draco, but I can see this story influencing me in the "Team Draco" arena. I'm already wondering what it is he has to say to Melanie, and their relationship to one another.
Awesome, I hope you didn't hate the things I had to say :D.
Again, wonderfully written. Feel free to re-request.
Author's Response: Wow Jack, thank you for such a detailed, dedicated review! I'm very greatful that you took so much time to give such extensive feedback. Really appreciated, thank you.
And I will tell you this now - one of your theories was correct but only time will tell which one... ;)
I agree, I do have a tendancy to waffle on at times. I will have to try and correct myself a bit better to prevent the re-read thing. I get lost in description sometimes, really want people to see what I can see but I think you did just that, and that's wonderful to hear. Glad you enjoyed it and connected with the characters and narration style. I'm so happy that you enjoyed this story, and enough to write such a lovely detailed review. Thank you :) I hope you enjoy the next chapter, Bobby xx