|Review:||Elphaba and Boyfriends says:|
Hi Elphaba here again at long last!
I've noticed in this chapter that your punctuation and mechanics in general are improving. :)
I did spot some comma splices here and there (something I've often been guilty of), like this one: "To tell you the truth, this was my first proper date, I know most people had been on plenty by fifth year, but I guess I was just always shy when it came to boys." I think it would flow better if you place a period after "date" and start a new sentence with "I." There are a few others, and I'm they're just pointing them out as something to keep an eye out for as you polish your writing.
I also found this typo: "I was pocked in the back..."
I assume you meant "poked."
If Sirius and Thalia have any hope of getting together, they certainly seem to be shrinking in this chapter, don't they? I like that neither George or Anna is made out to be a monster. Thalia is actually enjoying her date, and I like that she may eventually have to choose between the two, rather than having one thrust upon her by fate.
Am I right in thinking that Felicity is Lavender Brown's mother?
Another interesting thing in this chapter is the additional information about Thalia's parents -- especially her mother's old-fashioned ideals. I think her expectations for Thalia are consistent with the time, especially for a stodgy pureblood family who probably wouldn't be paying attention to the women's movement.
The shocking attack at the end of this chapter reminds me of the incident that Lily mentions during the Prince's Tale in DH. So, hopefully Mary will be all right?!? I've seen this incident portrayed in a few stories. Each one has presented a different scenario, so I'm desperate to know what happened, and why.
Author's Response: Hey Elphaba! It's fine I know what life can get like!
I'm glad that the mechanics are improving, I still have the tendency to make awful comma mistakes, I now have a beta, who is awesome with them, and she's working through the chapters, so hopefully they'll all be eliminated soonish!
Thank you for pointing out those typos, as much as I look at this chapter, I still seem to have loads, which is really annoying!
I couldn't have them get together straight away, as that would be too easy! I didn't want Anna or George to be monsters, as I don't think that's realistic, and I preferred to do it this way, so I'm glad that you liked it! Haha yeah she will have to choose between the two eventually!
I hadn't thought about Felicity being Lavender's mum, it was just a conicidence! Now I think about it, it is fitting, so I may just weave that in ;D
I wanted to include the pureblood mother, as it seemed fitting, and I agree it does seem to go with the time, and of course she would hate the women's movement!
The attack was based on the incident in the Prince's Tale, as I had to include as I'm such a sticker to canon! I hope I've portrayed it well :D