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Review:Tonks1247 says:
Hello! I’m here from the BvB review battle [Welcome to Ravenclaw by the way! I am usually active on the forums but school likes me a bit too much this semester so I’m not on a lot…But I had the urge to review something…so here I am…and you probably didn’t need that whole explanation. Anyways. xD]

I absolutely adore how you opened this chapter.

“Lets get one thing straight here: there's nothing wrong with me.”

I mean, it’s a classic line that has me interested almost the second the words register in my brain. It leaves a million questions exploding in my brain [who is this character? Why should people find something wrong with her? What did she do? Etc.] and you only build off of it as you continue talking about the stories and rumour and how she’s normal despite those. I also love how you continue with this inner dialogue and put in place relationships before you name the character. It really helps me as a reader to get the feel of the character before learning too much about her. Though I will admit…you leave a lot of dangling pieces of information. She’s Scorpius’ brother but her mother isn’t Astoria. I can’t…who is her mum? I’m so curious. And you mention very few names [Scorpius and Albus being the only two, really] and you mention she’s not well liked by other Gryffindor’s…and all I can think is what caused this? Why is there such a…resistance to liking her by the other Gryffindor’s?

And don’t read that wrong! It’s definitely a good curiosity! All these questions swim around my mind and make me want to go on to the next chapter to learn more about Laila and her family and just everything. You really do give just enough information to pull me into the story and want to read more.

I do have a couple of grammar-y flow things that stuck out in this first chapter [I tend to be a bit nit-picky…but I mean it all for the best!]. First is the amount of fragmented sentences. I totally understand that fan fiction kind of loosens the reins when it comes to sentence structure but I found at some points the sentences seemed really disjointed because they would start with verbs and wouldn’t really have a subject…I’m not saying to cut them all out either. I’m just suggesting maybe cutting them back a bit to help with the flow of the chapter.

And this one is really nit-picky…in the first sentence, ‘lets’ should be ‘let’s’.

But despite both those things, this was a really wonderful chapter! I absolutely loved it and hopefully will have some time to read some more soon!

~Grimmerz

Author's Response: It's awesome that it perked up your curiosity! It's exactly what I wanted this chapter to do :) As for the grammar stuff, I'll read over it again and see what I can change.

Thanks so much for this review!

-Sankavi ^_^


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