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Review:mirasoul says:
Hi! Mirasoul from the forums with your review.

This was tragically beautiful. In regards to plot and flow, I don't think I have any CC's. Characterisation I admit I won't be of much help, as Ginny is your main character and I never really paid much attention to her in the books, to be honest. I really think she--and Harry, to a lesser extent as he only briefly appears--are believable and heartbreaking as parents of a child who was lost to suicide. Really, my CC's are all just grammar issues, as you asked me to comment upon those.

"From the top of your right down to your toes." I assume here you forgot a word. Happens to the best of us.

"...and look around the room..." As your story is written in past tense, change 'look' to 'looked'. Although, I will give a suggestion here: my writing teacher says stories are more effective when written in the present tense because emotions are stronger when they are happening right at that second than if they are just a memory, as past tense suggests. It's something I've come to take to heart, so I thought I'd let you know as well. The story is great as is, but doing something as simple as changing the tense from past to present might make it even more emotionally intriguing.

"Nothing in this room has changed since that day, except the fact you can tell it hasn't been lived in as a thin layer of dust has rested on top of everything." This isn't actually a grammar thing; this sentence is fine as is. It's more of a critique on imagery. This sentence, at least in my opinion, would be more powerful if it read, "Nothing in this room has changed since that day, except for the thin layer of dust that has rested on top of everything." It conjures up a strong image and suggests that no one has lived there for a while without actually having to say it. Including why the layer of dust is there, especially where you have placed it in the middle, interrupts the formation of that image and is kind of unnecessary. Just a suggestion, though! As I said, the sentence is perfectly fine as is.

"'Ginny, why aren't you dressed?' Came a voice." 'Came' shouldn't be capitalized.

"'Thanks mum.' He said with a hug." The quotation should end with a comma, not a period, and 'he' should not be capitalized.

In regards to your grammar in general, you tend to use commas a bit excessively. I can tell by your writing that you do so for poetic effect, and in a lot of these instances in your story they do what you have intended them to do, but I'd give it a read-through to see where you can substitute a comma for a period or a semicolon so the reader doesn't question when you're employing commas with a purpose or when you're just writing random run-ons. Do the read-through to catch any other grammatical/spelling errors as well; I know there are some that I haven't mentioned and there may have been some I missed. I know I make a habit of reading through work I've already published every couple of months or so to make sure it's up to par.

Those are all my CC's. Overall, I thought this was, as I said before, tragically beautiful. I can't think of any other way to describe. I have two favorite parts:

"I felt a warm hand in mine and realised it was Harry's, as he guided me towards the car." When I read this, I instantly thought of the part in Half-Blood Prince when Harry won't leave Dumbledore's body, even though many people try to make him, and he only cooperates when he feels Ginny's hand on him, smells her "flowery" (that's always how JKR describes it in the books) scent, and hears her voice. I don't know if you intended it to be or not, but I just saw this as a role reversal and went "aw" in my head!

"Please hold your tears and spare me a thought, don't think of sadness but of the happiness I brought." I don't think I really have to explain why I love this line. It's beautiful. And it rhymes! I'm a sucker for things that rhyme.

I'm so glad you requested a review for this, and I hope I helped! :)

Author's Response: Hello :)

Thank you for the reviewing and for pointing out the grammar issues, I'll go and change them now.

I never actually thought of it like that, I just wrote it but you've mentioned it, it has another meaning to me. :D

Thank you!!! And you definitely helped"
-Pottterfan310
Soph x


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