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Review:Jchrissy says:
Hi Lauren!

I really, really adored your start to this chapter. I think that after being told something as huge as Lydia was, you wouldn't be able but help question everything else you knew. We know the probability of another wizard walking into the perfume shop is pretty rare, but that doesn't mean she does. She has no idea how many magical people are out there, and you'd be half tempted to give everyone the third degree to see if they're who they say they really are.

I was happy with Lydia's choice, though. It's not like being magical makes Sirius any different... well.. it does make him a lot cooler :P. But I think she absolutely made the right call. I love that you had her really weighing her options and thinking it out, though.

Sirius's thoughts about James were really sweet. I'm sure every man goes through that time when it clicks, and they realize just why one of their friends acts like a lovesick puppy... because they'll eventually be in that position too :P. And now that Sirius is, it's really cute. I also liked that he made a mental note not to let James know just how love sick he is :P Very many, Sirius. Good choice.

Okay, this is where things get a little off for me. I still really love all the rest of the actual story you have, like the context. I think the flashback is really well written, and I think the Bellatrix scene is not only well written but incredibly creepy, which it should be. But I think that you sort of rushed us here too fast. Not specifically within the sections, but it almost felt like you needed another chapter before this.

If editing this was something you'd want to do, my suggestion would be to start the chapter the same. Only you can actually show us the conversation between Lydia and Sirius in present day as opposed to flashback. But instead of it being through the mirror, she could use the mirror to call him and then he'd come to the perfume shop where they could set their date for that evening. After he leaves, a few minutes after, you could have Bellatrix enter and sort of shop for perfume/ask her a few sly questions. What that would do for the reader is make it clear that Sirius and Lydia are still strong and that they're both expecting to see the other that night. Then, when Bellatrix enters, we'll realize that she was either tailing Sirius or spying on him in some way. Whether it's been happening for weeks or days, it doesn't really matter because at least we'll understand she's after hurting him in some way. Then, when Sirius enters her house and it's quiet and eerie, the reader will already have a terrifying idea of what may have happened, and it won't seem like such a jolt to have Bellatrix be there. Surprise is good of course, but building up the anticipation to that surprise is sort of what ties it all together.

Obviously that's 100% opinion suggestions. You're actual writing in this, your grammar, your descriptions, were all really well done and pulled me in from the start.

I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter, m'dear! ♥

Author's Response: Jami - the amount of time it has taken for me to respond to this review is terrible and I'm really really sorry!

I'm so glad you liked how Lydia ended up making her mind up about Sirus and what her decision was! I tried to think how you would actually act if we hadn't read Harry Potter and secretly wished magic was real and I think questioning everything was the only logical way to go forward in my head. I'm glad you thought it was good. She also had to pick to be with Sirius - I mean, who wouldn't?

I totally see where you're coming from and I really agree with all your points. I have now updated this chapter and included some of these suggestions - I hope you think the new chapter works better. I feel it does although I'm not 100% satisfied with it yet. Thank you so much for the help - I really appreciate it!

Thanks so much for this review Jami - it's been really helpful and I really appreciate it!

Lauren :)


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