|Review:||Athene Goodstrength says:|
This was so fun! I love ‘missing moment’ stories, and I really enjoy a glimpse at what was happening during the war outside of Harry’s sphere.
This story is short, fast-paced, and packs a lot in, but you do an excellent job with the characterization. I don’t think I’ve read many things from Neville’s point of view but you did a good job of portraying him.
I particularly liked the way you made his trademark fearfulness perfectly reasonable. The part about his fear of breaking rules and of getting caught really attracted my attention - I can’t help but draw a comparison with Harry who is, according to Snape, a notorious rule breaker. Does it make one braver or better than the other? I think not. In fact, I’m inclined to think along Dumbledore’s lines, that it takes a real sort of courage to be afraid of doing something but doing it anyway because you know it to be right. Typing that, I’m a little confused as to whether that was Dumbledore or my dad... oh well, the point still stands!
Your depiction of Luna is great - you do an excellent job of conveying a canon-based image of her. She’s dreamy, far-off, and yet also really very intelligent and rather kickass. The way Ginny and Neville react to her, as if they think she’s a bit nuts and yet trust and respect her, really reminds me of the way JKR wrote Harry’s opinion of her as he gets to know her.
Ginny is so much fun here. Intense and a little scary, but with a heart of gold and good intentions.
I do have a couple of CC’s for you:
* A few lines come out somewhat ‘clunkily’, and could do with being refined. The flow of this story is really important as it’s action-packed, so when I found myself tripping over a couple of odd phrases I felt the flow was interrupted slightly. Things like “ rather too well known voice”, which might benefit from being something like “horribly familiar”; “ A flow of renewed hope flooded his body.” which sounds off, with the two ‘fl’ words in close proximity (maybe “renewed hope flooded his body”); and “ Shaking her head to shake the images away”, which sounds a little odd with the repeated ‘shake’.
* The main character seems to shift from Neville to Ginny in the final lines, and that’s a little confusing. We start with Neville’s thoughts and feelings, and end with Ginny’s, with no obvious changeover anywhere.
*There are a few spelling and grammatical errors, but they’re minor and definitely didn’t detract from the piece as a whole.
Other than those little things, I thought this story was really well-written and imagined. You’re particularly strong on characterization, particularly considering the restricted wordcount! I’d definitely like to read more of your work.
Oh, and that line about Snape’s password being ‘Dumbledore’ was such a lovely touch (if a risky one on his part!), and it made me so sad - particularly Neville’s reaction to it. Poor Snape. He went through so much alone. (And I normally have little pity for the man, so well done!)