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Review:patronus_charm says:
Hello there! Iím here with your review!

I liked the use of the short sentences at the start, but then you carried on using them for the rest chapter, and it got a little disjointed and hard to follow, so I would link them to other sentences using a comma, so it improves the flow of the story.

I liked the description of Adele, as it meant we got to know her well. This was helped by Mikaelaís passionate thoughts about them, one word of advice though. I can see how the swearing emphasises her views, however, I felt that in this chapter it was too frequent, and lost itís power, so perhaps cut down on that.

I felt that her thoughts were too erratic in this chapter, and they just seemed to be jumping from one thought to another, and you didnít really get a chance to write in detail. This was emphasised in her big rant, as well as it being a big block of words, the disjointed thoughts made it harder to follow. So to improve this, I would cut the big paragraphs down into smaller ones, and spend more time on an individual thought, and perhaps not include everything, as it just left me feeling a little confused.

I liked Dracoís characterisation in this chapter though, you could tell that he did care for his daughter, and he did feel bad, about what he was doing to her. Itís nice to see him being portrayed as a nice father, as usually heís the bad guy, so this is a refreshing change.

You need to watch your grammar in this chapter. You always need a comma after direct speech like here you put ĎTake care"í, when it should be ĎTake care,Ē. Your capitalisation was also a little off, as in some cases you did it when it was unnecessary, and in other cases you didnít put a capital letter where it was needed.

To combat this, I would suggest getting a beta reader, as they proof read your work, and therefore you shouldnít have grammar errors.

I hope this was helpful, and I wasnít too critical!

-Kiana!

Author's Response: Heyyy!
Yes I will take you up on what you said and work with it.
Thankyou soo much.
I'm glad you like Draco's character I hope I'm not over doing it though I like heartless Draco way too much. :P
Adele is a cutiee. What did you think about Astoria? :P
Thankyou once again.
Em


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