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Review:DumbledoresArmyOfOne says:
Gillyweed here from the TGS review exchange!
Sorry for the atrocious delay, I was on vacation for the past week and I just got your lovely review today, so I've come to return the favour.

This is an excellent beginning to your story. You have a talent for creative description that you really show towards the beginning of the chapter and which makes your story much more engaging. Also, this is a fantastic exposition to the story, as you really show the day to day life of your characters before delving into the plot-worthy sensational stuff.

You give us a lot of information in the first half of this chapter- about your characters, setting, everything, but without dumping one of those cumbersome intro paragraphs, you know the kind "I'm Darcy, I'm this many years old, I live here, I work here and I absolutely love cats!" etc. etc.
The way you introduced everything was much more subtle, just sneaking information in between action.

There are only a few slight issues that i found in the chapter: One is a possible overuse of the comma, but that's really just nitpicking and people have been known to argue all day about commas. Another is that just at the beginning I felt a bit barraged by all of the descriptions you gave us. While providing detail is essential to the story, especially the introduction, I felt that it was all a bit concentrated whithin the fourth and fifth paragraphs.

I loved this first chapter and now you have successfully gotten me hooked on yet another brilliant story. I love that quip about her office life turning into a triwizard tournament, it seems very true! xD
I'm very excited to see where this plot will go!
Sorry again for the delay,
-Gill

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for the exchange :)

It's great to hear that you liked falling right into Darcy's day-to-day life and getting to know her through her actions. "Show, not tell" is a big thing that I like to emphasize when I review other people's stories, and so it was important to me to walk the talk here in my own work, as always. I also like the style of just dropping into the middle of the scene as opposed to working too hard to set it up from the very beginning.

You're right, commas are a very divisive issue! I know what you mean about too many, though I did try to use them appropriately (or at least correctly) here. Stories where commas are needed and not used tend to annoy me a little, so maybe I went into overdrive.

I do try to make my descriptions seem natural, so I'll have to go back and take a look at what you were talking about. Like with so many things, it's a work in progress for me.

Thanks again for your kind review!

-Amanda


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