Heya! Perelandra here. FINALLY here with your swap review. When I read this one it had no reviews and now I see 3! haha! I'm so slow. So sorry about that. I got a new job that's kicking my behind...BUT finally here.
It took me a while to realize that you used the title of 'Baron' as his name. Nice touch there because I've never come across that detail. I also really liked how they had a crush on each other since they were young and that they went to school together. I usually see the usual "he's older than her" scenario. He seems, however, to be very obsessed over her. I mean...he just fixates on her. Then again, she's not giving him the time of day.
I do have a question, what happened between the two of them for Helena to become so 'cold' towards him? Did he do something to her? Because even then, it felt to me that they were friends. What caused the friendship to end?
I have a couple of CC, though. First of all, punctuation. Whenever you have something like:
Her voice cuts me more than her small blade, "Stay away from me, Baron...
The word after the comma (after Blade) should not be capitalize unless its a name or the world 'I'. The only way it should be capitalized is if you have a period after 'blade.'
The second and last CC is the lack of description. You have a very strong story here, however, you seem to be lacking some details such as description and imagery. There are times where you paint the picture just perfectly, like when Rowena is dying and wishes to see her daughter and then there are times that you rely so heavily on dialogue. You should try to balance a story with the right amount of description and dialogue in order to have a perfect story.
Well, I believe that is it! This is a great Founders fic. I'm always incline to read those because they never get much love from people.
Keep on writing! And once again, thanks for the swap!
Until next time,
Author's Response: What a wonderful review :)
I'll try to answer your questions, but I try to leave room for my reader's imagination to fill in blanks :P (*cough* I'm lazy *cough*). This story is written from Baron's point of view. I asked the question: What pushed him into murdering Helena? So, my interpretation came down to this: pure obsessive love.
You read about crimes of passion on the news all the time, and the research I did for this one-shot lead me to believe that that could be a possible factor to push Baron to murder.
That all being said, I chose to center his obsession around her voice, because I have a bit of an obsession with greek mythology and I thought Sirens would be awesome to allude to here. So, Helena is the siren, and Baron's the guy caught in her drama.
I really think that the pressure of being Rowena's daughter put Helena in a tough spot. Her life shifted from being carefree to being stressful as she tried to live up to expectations set by the people around her. Petty things like romance and marriage aren't important to her as they are to Baron. She was almost willing to use it as a tool to get ahead, but I think the "Ravenclaw personality" in her pushed her to make the rash decision of stealing the diadem and leaving to gain knowledge for herself without pressure.
Did that all make sense? Basically, Baron's became obsessed with her and her rejection drove him into murder, Helena's trying to escape from her mother's shadow, and I tied it all together with allusions to greek mythology.
Geez, maybe I should stop writing :P Practice makes perfect, so I'll keep going. I have noticed that I hide behind dialogue, I'll definitely work on that.
Oh man, I hope I answered your questions and thank you for the helpful CC :D
I feel as though this reply was a jumbled mess, but, eh, I tried.