Hi, there! I have to admit I cheated a bit in responding to your status because I've been meaning to check this out for a while anyway. This just turned out to be a good opportunity!
I really, really liked Astoria's sense of humor. OK, it's not exactly a sense of humor so much as it's a passionate, deep-seated loathing of this pure blood society that her parents and sister aspire to be part of, but the biting sarcasm and "oh, god, please kill me now" feelings of dread that she's constantly feeling are pretty humorous to me. I plucked out a three of my favorite Astoria reflections from the story:
But she found that if she pitched herself out of her window, they would only want the dress back and hope that her blood hadnít stained the satin material too badly. - Poor kid!
And it also couldnít change the fact that she was already awaiting her father so that he could inspect her and her sister Emily and their older brother Scorpious to make sure that they were flawless, perfect and bitterly happy. - I think anyone who's ever been forced to attend a "society" wedding against his or her will can easily relate.
Astoria wondered what poison tasted like. - This one completely cracked me up.
I thought your descriptions from the moment they arrived at Malfoy Manor were fantastic. The stifling, museum-like, old-money opulence of the place came through loud and clear. Lucius with his fake courtliness and Narcissa with her cold, scornful snobbishness were perfectly in character.
I really liked Scorpius. You're gone more than a little AU with Astoria's family, but I really don't mind. It's kind of sweet to think of her naming her only son after his uncle, although between that and the fact that this Scorpius is dating a muggle girl, I get this terrible feeling of foreshadowing...
The canon Slytherin kids and their hangers-on were pitch-perfect for me. Pansy and Nott are both nasty pieces of work and Crabbe and Goyle are little more than Draco's big, ugly cheerleading section. Zabini had some interesting twists on him, which I'm looking forward to finding out more about. He definitely isn't another one of Draco's sycophants. There's some genuine dislike there. Perhaps a bit of rivalry.
Lastly, there's Draco. I had a hard time putting my finger on it, but I think his interest in Astoria goes beyond just tormenting her. It's all the little signs you threw out. The glances that went on just a bit too long. The way he stares at her throat. The way that they wind up paired in this game, which I'm at least 90% sure is rigged, seeing as how all of the girls wound up with the "passive" squares.
The next chapter is going to be very, very interesting. If I had to bet, I'm betting that Draco winds up getting hexed, slapped or possibly kicked in the jewels. But I'd need pretty good odds to want to bet on it.
I did notice two relatively minor typos:
Scorpious had an attitude that suggested that if he could murder himself on the spot, he would do it in an instance. - in an instant.
ďBut Mum, weíre going over that insufferable pratís mansion... - over to that insufferable prat's mansion...
The best constructive criticism I can offer is mostly a matter of taste. If it were me, I would probably combine some of the shorter paragraphs together into longer ones. For me, at least, I think it would improve the flow of the story. In my mind, there's always an implied pause or change of topic whenever a new paragraph starts. And that happens so often in this chapter that it wasn't as easy as it could have been for me to get into the flow of the story.
I think you're spinning a very interesting tale here. I shall return! ;)
Author's Response: Hello!
*Fangirls* Hello there, welcome to my SUPER ANGST story. I'm glad that you had actually meant to stop by and read this, as it doesn't really get much review (Randomly I mean) so this is nice. :D
Bwha, Astoria has a sense of humor but due to the circumstances, its more of what you said. Just a deep seated loathing and hatred of the torture that she's going to be forced to endure for more than a few chapters. Hahaha.
I had soo much fun coming up with her responses/thoughts/misery so thanks for enjoying it as much as I did. :D
Oh, I have this obsession with Malfoy Manor and I'm really into detail so I wanted the first impression of it to be something you all could really remember. And plus, its just fun imagining a bunch of stuffy purebloods in a glittering, pretty place when we all know how they're just so awful underneath. ;)
Lucius and Narcissa worried me, they're not characters that I'd tried to write before this story so I wasn't sure if I'd gotten them right.
You know, I'd thought of changing this to an AU since I'd changed quite a bit with Astoria and her family but might hold off. Quite a few people enjoy my Scorpius (I'll probably dig deep and correct his name too while I'm at it).
But his romance with his Muggle girlfriend really doesn't end well. But I haven't even written that yet so you're sense of dread is very accurate! >:D
The Slytherin kids had me worried too, there was alot of personalities to work with and I got worried that I didn't pull it off. Pansy and the rest were easy but the character I wanted to focus on, aside from darling Draco was Blaise. ;) I mean, at this point, Zabini.
There's no love between him and Draco at all and I'm glad that you and so many others picked up on that. :D
Heheh, oh, Draco! I love writing him and I'll admit he's slightly exaggerated but his interest in Astoria isn't simply based on tormenting her. There are other reasons for his interest in her, most of them sort of uhm, naughty but half of them actually genuine.
Bwhaha, the game is rigged. I won't lie and say it isn't and do you know how many people actually liked the idea of it? How naughty of them, I hope they don't actually play it though...
HAHAHA. Lots happens in the next chapter but don't worry, Draco gets his soon after in more ways than one. ;)
Astoria is no passive little thing. She's like a horrible, vicious nightmare! :D
D': I'll have to look at those typos and fix them, I'd been meaning to clean up a bit with alot of stuff but haven't had the time. :p
I shall take your CC to heart though! :D
I hope you return! :D