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Review:800 words of heaven says:
Hey there! Here with your requested review!

So the first chapter has got me intrigued already. I like stuff written in first person, because it's quite personal. What has me hooked is not that "they" are scared, more that "they" have always been scared. Why is that?

Right now, the Clarimonts are sounding a lot like I would imagine the Gaunt family to be, before they went completely crazy because of all that inbreeding - powerful, aware of it, and not afraid to use and abuse that power.

I can see that the main character (is it a girl? I think it is. Even if she isn't, she shall furthermore be referred to as "she") is misunderstood. The first paragraph showed her tied up and in pain, but a few of the later paragraphs show us that at least, according to her, looks can be deceiving. She claims to care for her village, but we don't know yet what that entails, and whether this proves that she does care.

So, clearly, Emylina (I was right! She was a girl!) is being portrayed as the victim here, but I don't know if this is intentional or not, I just don't know enough about her, or care for her emotionally, to quite believe that. I guess you could take this two ways - you could either make her the damsel in distress; a victim of circumstances, or what I think in my opinion would be far more interesting, is leave her character in this kind of ambiguity, where you're just not sure whether she's good or bad. This is of course just the first chapter, so I'm guessing you do have stuff planned for her, and her character, and I'd be interested to see where you took her.

I thought your description of the Cruciatus Curse was good, but I was feeling disconnected with Emylina. I know she was in pain, but I didn't feel that pain with her. As this is in first person, I think you have so much room to develop emotional connections with the reader, and I just wasn't feeling it in this bit.

Aha! I thought she might be pregnant! It seems one of the only ways a female can disgrace the family, and her mother's dying words were put into context quite quickly.

Is it terrible of me to say that I like Mystery Man more than Emylina, right now? It might be, but I do. Both of them are shrouded in mystery, but Mystery Man has quite a commanding presence surrounding him, and a clear and crisp way of talking that is really appealing right now.

...Why does Richard sound like Albus? Intriguing...

Final thoughts, I think this story has quite a bit of potential. I'd like to be more emotionally invested in Emylina, but I guess this is the first chapter, so perhaps you have a few more chapters up your sleeve where that can happen! Looking forward to more!

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reviewing =)

Yes she is a girl and her father is a little crazy ahah.

I'll look at the emotion. I didn't realize that readers might not be as emotionally attached. Got caught up w the descriptions haha sorry!

Her mother's words will come up alot and it will really be an underlying theme in the story lol

Thank you for reading and reviewing!


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