Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:academica says:
Hello there! I'm here for the TGS Review Exchange :)

I have to say that normally when I run across a next-gen story that's full-on zany like this one, I put the brakes on and turn in the opposite direction. But something about the style here just worked--maybe because there was a clear basis for Adrienne's rambling in the identified trait of inattention. Anyway, I really liked the pacing of the chapter and the very abrupt end in the closet. The way it all played out, it was like watching a sitcom or similarly funny movie. It was really entertaining.

I think if you wanted to toy with this more and make it even better, there are a couple areas for growth. One is just in terms of proofreading--you sort of lose the punchy effect when there are interruptions like typos and incorrect punctuation. I think if you went back and messed with that a little bit, you'd have an even stronger first chapter here.

The other thing is that I think you could fill this out with a little more plot, just to give it more substance and help balance out the zany somewhat. For example, maybe you could add to the characterization by having Adrienne and her friends hang out on the grounds or attempt to sit quietly in the library between Potions and the walk to the closet. To me, the closet thing would be even more effective if it was happening after dinner, so that they might be stuck there all night.

This is definitely a nice start, and if you get another chapter up before the month is over, I'd like to stop by and see what comes next. My time is unfortunately severely limited, so I won't make any promises. Regardless, I am looking forward to seeing what you think of The Middle Man :)


Author's Response: Thank you so much for stopping by and reviewing so quickly! I've just read and reviewed the first chapter of the Middle Man for you. :)

So, I feel I should let you know that this chapter was posted hastily to enter a challenge and I am very unhappy with the state it's in at the moment, so I entered it in the review exchange in order to get some solid constructive feedback. Thank you very , very much for your valuable advice!

I have recently found a beta for this story and this chapter will most probably be in for a rewrite as soon as we co-ordinate our efforts.

I've just reread this chapter with your comments in mind and I agree completely about fleshing this out quite a bit. There is almost no substance to this chapter other than what it has set up plot-wise, and I think having the closet incident happen later would be a better idea.

I have written the next two chapters in a rough format, and they have a bit more substance (I hope) than this one.
Once I put those up, any further input you have will be invaluable.

Thank you again for the thoughtful review, and sorry for the rambling, lengthy response xD

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 366
Submit Report: