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Review:adluvshp says:
Hello! Here for your requested review from the forums!

This was indeed a very good and powerful start to your story. I think you did a great job introducing the scenario and your plot seems intense. I think the concept of James II and Albus being 'enemies' is a very unique one and I love it. The way you showed what happened - of Lily being dead and apparently Albus killing her - is quite twisted and expressed well. James' thoughts are very sharp too, and instantly struck a chord with me.

You asked about the flow, attention/interest, and tenses.

Well, the flow of this very smooth. I enjoyed your narrative - it was effortless and natural, and I don't see why you should be concerned about it. I think you have managed the flow of this nicely.

As for this grabbing attention, you shouldn't worry about it as this is definitely very captivating. I was very intrigued by the summary itself, and when I read this chapter, I was hooked and wished to read further. I think you have built the interest very well, and I am really looking forward to how the story plays out.

I didn't see any glaring problems regarding your tenses either, or the grammar in general. I think you did it just fine. I would however like to point out that you tend to use capitalization a little unnecessarily, so I suggest you tone that down a little. Also, some of your phrases can be phrased in an off sounding way, so give this a quick re-read and re-phrase any odd wordings (reading aloud usually helps to spot them). Or you could always get a beta.

Apart from that, this was a really well-written first chapter. Your plot, pace, flow, characterisation, and over all narrative seems to be quite good, so carry on writing!



Author's Response: Thanks so much for coming to my page to review.

I'm glad to hear the my chapter grabs your attention and can hold it. I have had some complaints about the caps so I will try to limit it in the future.

Thank you so much for your review. It was very helpful and i will use it to improve.

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