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Review:FredWeasleyIsMyKing says:
Hello, Laurenzo7321 here from the forums with your requested review!

Wow, I think this is a very powerful start to your story. You have me immediately hooked and I can't wait to read more! You keep the interest the whole way through by not giving away who James is looking for and it's a huge shock when it's Albus! He's written as a goody-goody in so many stories that I really look forward to seeing what you're going to do with him!

I thought the flow was great, like I said, you kept me very interested all the way through. I didn't notice any problems with the tenses but this isn't my strong point either!

There are a couple of things I'd point out, feel free to ignore if you disagree:

'Each breath was a painful blow to my ribs, which exploded with pain every few seconds.' This just felt a bit clumsy and I had to read it a few times. The second bit just seems a bit unnecessary.

'NOW, it is time for me to avenge everything that has happened to my family.' I felt the capitals at the start where again a tad unnecessary here.

A great chapter though, I'm really excited to see what else you come up with! I hope you re-request.

Lauren :)

Author's Response: I really wanted the reveal of Albus to be a shock, because it is not something you would expect out of his character. I took great pleasure in writing that.

I'm glad to hear about the tenses, that was something that had me worried.

I do see what you're saying about the couple of passages there, I will try to reword them. I don't know why that sentence starts with all caps, thanks for pointing it out.

Again thank you so much for reviewing this !


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