Hello again, p_c. I'm here with one of your staff reviews for the Review-A-Thon challenge.
I'm really enjoying the way you're continuing to develop Rose's character here. We get to see her interact with her friends, her parents and Scorpius -- each adding a little bit to our understanding of who she is. It's nice to see she has some dimension. On the one hand, she's clearly very close to Dom and Albus, and yet she's got a bit of an independent streak too, when she talks about not being free anymore to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. And just as a funny coincidence, I have Albus marrying a girl named Amelia in one of my stories too!
Meeting the parents: yikes! That can be scary, though things seemed to go pretty well, all things considered. It's cute how you have Ron actually preferring Scorpius to Xander. It seems like he cares more about Rose being happy than an old childhood grudge. Obviously you hinted at the end that things weren't always perfect for Rose and Scorpius, but since everyone around her seems to think he's such a great guy, I can't help but wonder what finally drove them apart. Was it just the thing with Penny, or is there more to it...
It would be great to see some more of the present action, in addition to the flashbacks -- more of Rose getting ready for the wedding, more of her thoughts on Xander, etc. I'm actually rather curious about him. Clearly she's still hung up a bit on Scorpius, seeing as she's thinking a lot about him on her wedding day, so I can't help but wonder what kind of man Xander is in comparison.
If you're up for a little CC, I'd suggest focusing in on your use of run-on sentences. Throughout the chapter, there are a lot of long sentences held together by commas, but the comma isn't a strong enough form of punctuation to hold two or more complete sentences together. Of course, the comma is one of the hardest forms of punctuation to get right (I mess them up all the time), but if you focus on breaking up your long sentences into several smaller ones, they will not only be more grammatically correct, they will also make your story a lot more reader-friendly. I've pulled a few examples out to highlight what I mean:
-- I hated that fact, it wasn't my fault who my parents are, I didn't ask to receive their fame.
-- After all we all were pretty close, my parents and Uncle Harry used to call us the next generation of the Golden Trio, obviously without all the battling dark wizards and defeating Voldemort.
-- "You may have a good thing going on actually Dom, it's a lot less hassle, I mean remember the first time Scorpius met my parents, to say that was awkward would be an understatement," I said, and my thoughts drifted back to that eventful first meeting.
In the first sentence, each section before the comma is a complete sentence. That means you need more than a comma to string them together. You could use a semi-colon or a dash, or add in a conjunction, but as a general rule, if the sentence fragment can stand on its own as a sentence, a simple comma isn't enough. You could do something like:
-- I hated that fact; it wasn't my fault who my parents are, and I didn't ask to receive their fame. --OR-- I hated that fact. It wasn't my fault who my parents are. I didn't ask to receive their fame. --OR-- I hated that fact - it wasn't my fault who my parents are; I didn't ask to receive their fame.
The combinations are pretty endless, and the same is true for the other lines as well.
-- After all, we all were pretty close; my parents and Uncle Harry used to call us the next generation of the Golden Trio, but obviously without all the battling dark wizards and defeating Voldemort.
-- "You may have a good thing going on actually, Dom. It's a lot less hassle - I mean remember the first time Scorpius met my parents? To say that was awkward would be an understatement..."
Just remember that (most of the time) commas are not enough to hold together two complete sentences.
Thanks for selecting me as one of your staff reviewers, and thanks for participating in the Review-A-Thon. Best of luck with your story. It's already off to a great start!
Author's Response: Hi, thank you for leaving such a detailed review!
I'm glad that you're liking Rose's character, as I feel she's such a complex one given what her parents are like! I'm glad that you picked up on the fact that they are in fact two sides to her, and she can be close, yet private at the same time.
That is a concidence! I didn't really think much about the name, it was the first which popped into my head, and it seemed approriate so I just went with it!
I'm glad that you liked that Ron and Scorpius got along. As I do think that Ron would be mature enough now, to put behind a school day enemy, and try and please his daughter. Yes everyone did seem to like Scorpius, and I can't really say what happened, as that will be revealed in the next chapter!
I do agree that in this chapter there isn't that much in the present tense, or that much related to the wedding. I'll go back and see what I can add in:)
Yes comma's are very tricky, and I never seem to get them right! Thank you for your suggestions on where to include some, or add some periods. It really helps, as it makes me realise where I should include them, so hopefully I can learn from it!
Thank you for such a great and helpful review! I really enjoyed the review-a-thon, and hopefully they'll be another one!