|Review:||Roots in Water says:|
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
So the school year has started and they're once again plagued with the nuisance of plenty of homework and boring classes! Such a shame! :)
I liked the interactions you wrote between the characters in this chapter. Not only did they help to show the relationships between the characters, they also showed the possibilities in the future. It's really interesting that Sirius enjoys Muggle books and I can already see the possibilities in this similaritiy between the two of them...
As well, the moment between her and Sirius at the end of the chapter was intriguing because not only did it show that they can get along without fighting, unlike James and Lily, but that there might be feelings of attraction between the two of them... It was such a sweet and simple moment but it speaks volumes about their relationship.
Her rambling thoughts are also an excellent way to provide insight and memories, and I think that you're doing a great job of utilizing this tool without going overboard. I like her randomly inserted thoughts about Professor Binn's mistakes or Prefects.
I noticed a few typos as I was reading through and I'll quickly point them out. To begin, with the phrase "dressed quickly eager to get to the common room" there should be a comma after "quickly" and with the phrase "Cathy is being forced by the evil Heathcliff into marrying his son", "to marry" sounds better than "into marrying" (just a personal opinion, of course). As well, with "It's at least another hour until breakfast starts?" there should be a period, not question mark, since it's a statement, not a question and with "as I recognised it, when I saw who" there period or semi-colon instead of comma.
With "Ha that's just like Sirius, he hates living with his family as well so he escapes into the muggle world to annoy them, so now he reads muggle books and magazines or dates muggle girls" I would break this sentence up into smaller parts. For example, instead of a comma after "Sirius", I would use a period. As well, with "I said eager to get some breakfast" there should be a comma separating "said" and "eager" and with "I always loved going to Alice's house as she lives in St. Ives which is right by the coast so it's always fun to go there", the sentence starts and ends with practically identical sentiment... I would remove one of them (probably the "so it's always fun to go there"). Finally, with "which was in Egypt this year, so it was" I would change comma to a period and remove the "so".
As well, though it was fantastic to see an author focusing on the school aspect of Hogwarts and not just the social aspect of it, it felt as though you were trying to speed through the day. I would love it if you elaborated a little on one of the classroom scenes, perhaps writing out one of the girls' conversations in Potions class. It would help to ground the scenes.
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter. Your characters continue to be interesting and I love the developments you're including. It will be interesting to see if Sirius and Thalia get together before James and Lily, which they probably will since James and Lily didn't get together until after fifth year... And, when they do, what it will do to the dynamics between James and Lily. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my review is helpful!
Author's Response: Hi Roots! Thanks for such a quick review, it was appreciated a lot!
I'm glad that you liked the portrayal of their relationships in this chapter, as that was my aim, to lay a basis of them, and of course have a school chapter. I do hate it when stories just focus on the social aspect, so I thought it would be good to include a chapter which is based more on the academic side!
Yes I thought it would be funny to make Sirius read muggle books, and of course it meant that he and Thalia would then have something in common. This actually leads to something as well...
I'm glad that you liked the moment at the end, as that's how I'm starting off their relationship with these little moments. They probably will get together before James and Lily do, as they're actually on vaguely good terms and this is 5th year, and that's a lot more than you can say for James and Lily.
I'm glad that you liked her rambling thoughts, as that what my own tend to be like! I wasn't sure if they would be too weird or boring, so I'm glad to find that's not the case!
Thank you for pointing out those errors! No matter how many times I read through a chapter, there always seems to be a few left, which is so annoying! I'll go and edit them out as well.
I did feel that the chapter was rushing through the school day a little, but I did it because I thought the reader may get bored of just hearing about the lessons. But I agree with you, as I do think that it will make it less rushed and more interesting if I do include some dialogue, so I'll go back and add some in, as there isn't really much in this chapter.
I love your reviews, there so helpful, and you seem to pick out bits, which I and others don't seem to notice! It definitely was helpful, so no worries about that!