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Review:Elphaba and Boyfriends says:
Hi, Elphaba here again. :)

While I did catch a few punctuation and grammar issues, this chapter shows a lot of improvement! :)

This is the trickiest error that I spotted: "we came to the agreement that we could bare their annoyance for a couple of hours." Bare in this case should be "bear," it's tricky because both words work as nouns and verbs.

I also found three spots where you used "to" instead of "too." Here they are: "...Peter was severely lacking something in the brains department, his own friends though so to," and "Oh just to congratulate George on the new team, do you want to come to?" and "Hey I'm not just beauty and brawn I have brains to!"

This sentence had me really confused: "But, hey I guess he was used to it given that he was best friends with the person he received that look the most." I think I've figured out that "the person he" should be "the person who." Does that sound right?

I like the conversation between Thalia and George, and the awkward moments she shares with Sirius. They seem realistic, and I like that Sirius has some competition for her affections. Wood isn't made out to be a creep or a jerk, either, and seems to genuinely be interested in her.

I also like how you insert little details about Thalia's parents into the story as it goes, instead of dumping everything out at once. I like that she blackmails James into keeping quiet by threatening to expose his rejection at the Christmas party. :) The details all seem consistent and believable. So far Thalia comes off as a normal girl, and not a Mary Sue.

Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hi Elphaba!


Thank you for pointing out the errors, I have a school holiday next week, so hopefully as I have the week off, I can give all of my chapters a thorough read through and get rid of those errors!

I'm glad that you liked the conversation between Thalia and George, as I did try and make him come off as nice person, as I do think that he would be nice, and not a jerk!

Ha and yes Sirius, can't always get his own way can he, so I thought it would be fun to introduce a rival for him!

Yes you tend to learn a bit more about her parents as the chapters continue, as I thought it would be more fun that way, rather than revealing everything at once, as otherwise there's no mystery.

Everyone seems to love the fact that James got rejected, and I do have to admit it must have been pretty funny to see someone as big headed as him to be rejected!

I'm glad that she's not coming off as a Mary Sue as I really don't want her to, but it's so hard to do!

Thanks for the great review, it was really useful!

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