Okay, I have decided to analyze this chapter in two sections: Positives and Negatives:
The idea that Hermione ended up in Australia looking for her parents and, as the author had previously stated ‘It isn’t a small island…’, just happened to stumble across two hardcore Death Eaters is quite improbable. Needless to say, it certainly did surprise me- just not in a good way.
Also, Harry, Ron and Ginny all appeared armed and ready for battle in the exact location and time when all hope seemed lost for Hermione, and save the day- improbable, impossible (seeing as they didn’t have a clue where in Australia she would be) and implausible.
To top it all off, the reader is then faced with a flustered fumble of a battle in which nothing is made clear and the readers are left confused and guessing, relying extensively upon their imagination to get them through the experience.
Now, I am fully aware that this criticism might sound harsh but I assure you, I am trying to help this author grow and improve as I have a great deal of faith in them! I give criticism, both negative and positive in order to help the author recognise their full potential and figure out their strengths and weaknesses… with that said, let’s move on to the positives!
I immensely enjoyed the notion of Hermione’s ignorance of computers and the internet. Of course, being a witch and attending Hogwarts would not have led her to using such ‘muggle’ inventions. It is an especially nice touch as she is seen to excel at everything she turns her hand to in the wizarding world, possibly implying her distancing from the muggle world and her further integration in the wizarding one (with emphasis on her impending marriage into the Weasley’s family).
I also felt that having Mrs. Weasley watching the clock whilst waiting for her children was a nice touch! Not only did this further support her motherly nature seen in the HP series and the previous chapters by this author, it also introduces her children returning home. A nice idea to extend this into future chapters would be to mention what is happening with Fred’s presence on the clock – perhaps have it constantly pointing at ‘home’ seeing as he is at peace and buried at the Burrow?
Just a quick addition to say that I also liked the concept of Kingsley being summoned to Australia to escort the death eaters to Askaban - Order has been restored!
To sum it up, this chapter thoroughly surprised me in both good and bad ways. The writing style of the author had once again improved although, spelling mistakes still occurred. I look forward to seeing how the story progresses and how the author’s writing style matures with experience! I can’t wait to read on.
Author's Response: I understand that it might seem a bit improbable that she would stumble on Death Eaters, but they do know how to use magic. They can track and follow her that way. The way that Ron and the others found her might not be very clear, but did you notice the fact that he's holding his Deluminator in his hands? It did help him find her once... Despite that, I will take what you have said in consideration :)
Don't worry about sounding harsh, just be honest! I appreciate getting critique, because I really want to improve :) Concerning the battle, I understand that it's a bit confusing because it takes place in the dark. I'll say this once again: if I find inspiration, I will try to rewrite it and make it better!
I'm glad that you liked those details. I imagine that Hermione will distance more and more form the Muggle world as she grows older, because she can use magic for anything now, and she becomes more independent from her parents.
The idea of Fred's hand on the clock pointing to 'home' has crossed my mind to. I think it would show not only that he's buried at the Burrow, but also that he's found peace in a way. That would be really nice :) Yes, Order has been restored (for now). A happy ending to the chapter, I guess :)
I'm glad you're enjoying the story, I hope you'll keep doing that. Thank you so much for this review!