Hi! Here for your requested review!
I absolutely loved reading this. I think you did a brilliant job of writing this. You captured Bellatrix and her thought process quite perfectly. I loved the way her obsession (for lack of a better word) with Voldemort was so clear in her thoughts. Voldemort was also written well, I can imagine him that way in his 'early days'. His dialogue was crafted well by you too, and I want to give you a special congrats on getting that right, since a lot authors struggle when it comes to dialogues of characters like Voldemort, Dumbledore, etc.
About your concerns, I think the flow of this was very smooth. I could understand this very clearly and was really captivated while reading the narrative. The transitions from one scene to another was also done neatly. The thoughts and dialogues flowed naturally as well. The only thing that disrupted the reading flow a little was the extra spacing. I would suggest to edit and format the spacing properly, as too much spacing can be kind of annoying. But apart from that, this was very smoothly written and presented.
As for all your "suggestions" incorporated in the story, I think you maintained a perfect subtlety. It wasn't too overdone, and it wasn't lacking either. It was there and it all came through to me, yet not in a hugely-present way, and that was good. (I do hope what I said made sense).
Finally, as to how well I could see into Bellatrix's head, I think you don't need to worry about that at all. I think you really understand her well and have written her so well, that I could really get a clear glimpse into her mind. Every thought, every emotion of hers came across to me wonderfully through your descriptions, and it all really felt very Bellatrix-ish. I loved the little details about Rodolphus too, and then her fascination with Voldemort's eyes was interesting.
All in all, I really enjoyed this story. You had a brilliant plot concept, did well with the characterisations, had vivid and clear descriptions, with a balanced pace, and smooth flow. I don't have any CC to give you! Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm not sure what happened with the spacing, but I'm definitely going to go back and attempt to fix it.
Also, knowing that my "suggestions" are near that happy medium between too obvious and nonexistent is a huge relief, and your comments on them definitely did make sense.
I'm glad that you liked my portrayal of the characters. Bellatrix's obsession with Voldemort is such a core tenet of her character, and I always figure that Voldemort must have been very good at getting into his followers' heads and using things like that, otherwise he would never have had so many of them in his "early days."
Anyway, much appreciated, and feel free to send me a message if you have a few chapters around that you'd like a review on. :)