Alright, sorry I'm getting to your review so late. Now, just a heads up, you might not like everything that I'm about to say but keep in mind that I'm not trying to hurt your feelings and that I usually suck at putting things nicely (the only way I can make them seem even remotely nice is by adding 'no offence' and people still get offended).
However, I am not insulting you, simply the criticism will seem insulting.
The first thing I noticed was that you don't have paragraphs. Your entire chapter mostly consists of one line or two sentences put together. In fact, throughout the majority of the story I found that you could've combined several one-liners together to form a paragraph because they were all related to each other in some way.
You also kept switching verb tenses in the beginning. I had to stop reading because I got slightly confused and I kept thinking "wait, what?" and I'd have to go back and re-read something. You should stick with one verb tense because switching between them might confuse the reader.
There is a reason why English people don't talk gangster or try to imitate a gangster and Charlie proved why. Just imagine "in da house" being said with a British accent.
I also didn't really understand why Charlie's mother was dressed as bee except for the purpose of embarrassing Charlie. It's never explained why she was dressed that way and Charlie never asks her mother why she was dressed that way.
The part where James kind of kidnapped Charlie I stopped reading, put my hands up and said "okay, no, that's just weird and creepy. Red flag James, red flag."
It just made things really awkward . . . but in a really funny way.
Okay, now here comes the part that you might find insulting.
I got bored of reading this entire chapter around the part where Charlie gets her letter from James. At first in the beginning it was interesting and I was liking what I was reading but when I got to the part where Charlie was describing her Christmas I started to get bored.
I had to make myself keep reading because I got bored. In fact, to be honest, after the part where she started reading James's letter, I basically skimmed the entire thing.
It isn't the fact that you're a bad writer or anything like that, on the contrary, you're a very good writer but I think it's just that you kept adding in stuff that you didn't need to. For example, when the owl flew out the window into the star-spangled sky, you mentioned Charlie's mum having robes with stars on them. It doesn't seem like such a big thing but even something really small can make a reader lose interest.
Personally, I would take out anything that doesn't have to do with story and doesn't add anything to the chapter or doesn't have anything to do with what's going on.
But besides what I now realise to be a rather negative review (and I'm sorry for that) you've got a good story so far and I hope I wasn't too harsh.
If I was, again, I'm terribly sorry about that.
Author's Response: No! Don't worry about sounding harsh at all! It sounds weird but I thrive on constructive feedback-it really gets my brain whirring and thinking again, especially when I have a bit of a blockage. I will definitely be going back and editing this chapter, thanks so much for all the tips!
I actually just submitted the next chapter, and I tried to take a lot of your advice on board, especially about the paragraphs, so I hope that shows.
Thanks so much again for the helpful review. I honestly really appreciate it, and I will definitely be re-requesting (I hope that's okay??)