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Review:patronus_charm says:
Hello it’s patronus_charm with your requested review!

I really liked the start to this story as it’s so much better when the author jumps straight into the action, rather than describing every single character, and then moving into the action. You built the suspense up quite well, as well, as it you left the attacker and victim rather ambiguous so it made you wonder who they were and why they were attacking that person.

I did find that it was confusing at times at times as to who was narrating. I know that you showed that the scene was changing, but I think combining that with the fact that it changed from 3rd to 1st person, and then the narrating made me too confusing. So perhaps include who the narrator is when you say where the scene is set to ease the confusion:)

You do have some grammar issues as you said, I’ll point a few of them out for you, so you know how to improve them:) When you have direct speech you need to either include a comma or a full stop at the end of it like here – “RONALD WEASELY”. You need a comma after Weasley. Also I found that you missed apostrophes in places, and at the end your text shifted to the middle for a line, which was a little weird.

I do think this story is interesting though, as you’ve already introduced a lot of mystery and action which is a great start, and makes the reader want to read. However I do feel due to the grammar issues, it may put some readers off as it is a bit distracting. So what I recommend is getting a beta, as they look through your work, and give you advice on how to improve and check your grammar!

Your plot is definitely is interesting so there’s no issues there; it’s the grammar thing really! I hope I didn’t seem to harsh, as I do like this story, I just want to make it the best possible!

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