Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Jchrissy says:
Hi there! You seemed very excited about this on the forums, and now I see why! This is an incredibly sweet one shot.

I hope you don't mind if I offer some bits of CC-- just skip the next paragraph if you do!

First, I like what you did with the flashback. But (and this is a complete stylistic opinion) I wasn't crazy about them being bolded. I think just italicizing them would be plenty. The bold just makes reading the feel harsh, if that makes sense. You had a few issues with your dialogue punctuation. If you want, you can PM me and I'll explain what :).

You really allowed us to get to know our characters, and I loved that! I like that their first meeting was so dramatic. It was a fun way to think of them starting out their friendship :).

I liked the honest way that Katie asked Albus if he'd ever fancied her. The poor guy was a bit confused, wasn't he? Don't worry, Al, you'll spend the majority of your life that way ;).

The only thing that I think would have benefited this, is if we'd have gotten a bit more resistance from Katie. A young girl telling her best friend of years that she had a crush on him (has a crush on him) is a really hard thing. The way she just casually told him didn't add up to the other aspects of her you built. If she was so comfortable with explaining her feelings, then it doesn't make sense that she'd have a fake boyfriend and play those sort of games. I liked that you added that bit about Todd, because that's something I really can see a teenage girl doing. I may have known one that did something similar once upon a time. ;). I just think you need to add something more in the section that she tells him.

After she asked if he ever fancied her and he says no, maybe having her drop it and having Al ask why she asked, then having her really uneasy about telling him may fit better than her matter of fact way. But, that didn't take from the fact that I thought this was a really sweet piece.

I think you did such a good job showing the flashbacks. Little things that events crazily significant, but showed us what had been going on 'behind the scenes' and built up really great characters.

Thanks for brightening up my afternoon with this lovely one shot, m'dear ♥

Jami


Oh! Also! I wanted to mention how much I loved that you took them full circle with ending on the same note about 'you'd only tease me.' That was very creative and cute ♥

Author's Response: THANK YOU! I love the forum folks, so this is really exciting to get feedback from one. I don't know why I bolded them, but I'll go back and edit that out.

So you didn't get confused with the flashbacks at all, right? I tried to make everything straightforward (PM me).

I was kind of going for the "If I'm going to tell you that I like you, I'm going to do it now, and casual, so I don't get hurt" kind of a thing, but I can see how that contradicts her personality.

Thanks again, I enjoyed your feedback,
soapman333


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net