Hi there! cypress here with your requested review. I'm terribly behind on online things, so I apologize for taking so long to get to you. Anyway, thanks for the request, and I hope you find this helpful. :)
First, I'll start with just a few of the things you did well. You clearly have a knack for narration. Your narrator's voice is very strong and that can be a very important part of telling a good story and keeping the story moving. I can also see what you were trying to do with separating the present and the past, and I think that your pacing is really good as far as how quickly you reveal information. Also, I liked the phrase "silenced him with a kiss". It was a nice way to end it.
As far as things that could be improved, one thing I noticed is that your tense seems to go back and forth between present and past. I think uniformity in verb tense is really important when you're telling a story - are you telling us about this all having happened in the past? Or are we experiencing this all along with you?
Also, while I get that the italics were intended to indicate that the story is being told in the past, I don't know that it's necessary, especially since your protagonist is the one telling the story. Because your story is first-person perspective, I think that you could accomplish the same thing, and keep the story flowing a bit more smoothly, by perhaps using transitional sentences like, "This made me think of the time when." and then explain what you were thinking about. If you are consistent with your verb tenses, you can simply change your tense during those parts of the story. For example, if your main story is in present tense (I am), then your background information would be past tense (I was). If your main story is past tense (I was), then you'd change to past perfect (I had been). That will help keep your story moving and the reader with the narrator in the 'present', even when the narrator explains things that happened in the past.
Finally, one other area that I think you could work on to enhance your story a bit is with your description of actions. You have very detailed dialogue (which is great!) but I'd love to know more about what's going on other than what's being said and how the person is saying it. What are they doing with their hands? What does their face look like? A detail or two like that will help give your characters personality.
Anyway, those are just a few suggestions I thought of while reading. I do hope you find that helpful. Thanks again for the review request, and let me know if you have any questions.
Author's Response: Hello can I just thank you for taking your time to leave such a detailed review!
I'm glad that you liked my narration, as I didn't think it was particularly good, and no one ever really said anything about it, so I assumed it was!
Oh yes tenses, it is harder switching from them, hence the mishaps! I'll make sure I'll read it back over, and that there's uniformity!
Yes someone else commented that they felt that they didn't need italics, so perhaps I'll get rid of them, I just don't want some readers getting confused!
Yes I have noticed that the actions aren't described in a lot of detail, so I'll read that over, and add some in!
Thanks for the review, it was really helpful!