Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:adluvshp says:
Here for your requested review, and happy valentines review-a-thon by the way =)

I liked this chapter too, though I think that the previous one was a little better. I understand that when writing such a story, balancing the story between past and present can be a little difficult, so I have to appreciate your effort =)

However, you managed to maintain the balance quite well in the first chapter, but your concern was right since I felt that the balance was not maintained very well in this one as your flashbacks were a little too extended and sort of dominating. I'd suggest to cut down on the flashbacks a little. I especially think that the "first meeting" one has a few unnecessary things like Rose explaining how she wouldn't have the whole meet the parents thing, or explaining why they were meeting at the paper shop. I think that when writing flashbacks, the focus should simply be on the main element and not other minor details.

Like you said in your concern, Rose is not very reflective/deep in the present indeed, so my suggestion would be to add more of her to the present, and reduce some extra details in the flashbacks, to make the story flow better.

Since you said that the error free version of the chapter is in the queue, I wont comment on the grammar. However, I'd definitely say to polish the tenses in your narrative - ensure that you maintain one tense in the present narration, and one in the flashback, since you switched in some places a few times. Also, to work on your sentence phrasing =)

Addressing your final concern, I'd say that the first fight is not too early, since these are flashbacks anyway, so you need not worry about that. The fight itself was not brief, but I feel that if you touch more on Rose's feelings/emotions during it, it would be nicer. The first fight should have more impact on her than you portrayed, so I'd suggest to focus more on her feelings besides the "action" of the scene.

Over all, I like your plot though, and Rose seems to be well written. I like the relationships you have built around her, and the minor/supporting characters too like Dom and Al. I look forward to how you develop them further, as I have a positive feeling about the story that it is headed in a good direction. The pace seems to be good, as you're not rushing into the story and not taking it too slow either, which is nice.

So, I'd say that you have lots of room for improvement so keep writing. I hope I addressed all your concerns and that I didn't come across as too harsh.

Feel free to re-request!

Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Hi Aditi thank you so much for taking your time to leave such a detailed review!

I have to agree to, that I much preferred the first chapter, I think it just worked more effectively than this one!

I did realise that the balance went a lot in this chapter, which I somehow managed to maintain in the first! You'll be pleased to know that I've already noted your suggestions and gone back and edited it again (I hope the validators don't get annoyed my editing spree:/), as they were all really helpful.

I have added more stuff to the second present scene, as that seemed to lack Rose's feeling, so I added in some deeper thoughts in there, and more feeling in the fight scene, as when I read it back, I noticed that was something it really lacked!

I'm glad that you liked her relationship with Dom and Al, and I hope it will feature more in the next couple of chapters, but it's just hard to fit them in the flashbacks as they're more focused on Scorpius!

You didn't come across harsh! I love your reviews, as you don't skirt round the edges like other people do, so I don't know how to improve which is the main purpose of requesting a review!

Thanks again for a great review, it was so helpful! Kiana :D


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 170
Submit Report: