|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Hello there! teh tarik from the forums here with your requested review :)
So congrats on writing your first next gen fic! This is quite a lovely piece, actually, and a really strong first chapter to your story. I'm so glad you chose to use first person POV, because you do this very well. Rose's voice is really clear and strong and I'm glad that the melodrama is at a minimum :) Angsty first person POV fics can sometimes be excessively sentimental (baha I'm guilty of this sometimes :P ) and a bit difficult to wade through the narrator's internal monologues, but I think you did a wonderful job here. As a character, Rose is sensible, straightforward but also sensitive and vulnerable at times, and I think this is a lovely combination of characteristics. The language is simple but effective, and your opening sentences were really strong and captivating.
I also love your depiction of Scorpius :) I'm just so glad he isn't an imitation of Draco; in fact he's completely his own character. He's a little awkward, which I really like - especially towards the end of the chapter where he sort of kisses Rose and then instantly apologises and when he discovers that his feelings for her are reciprocated, apologises for apologising :P This is a lovely moment and it is a lovely detailed scene - on the Astronomy Tower, the two of them being typical Ravenclaws and doing their homework and all... It's these sorts of details that really make a relationship memorable and intimate and convincing. I would love to see more of such moments in your story.They would really give a stronger sense of the characters, and show the development of the relationship between Rose and Scorpius.
In your Areas of Concern you mentioned being worried about the time shifts and whether this is confusing. Nope, not at all. After all, you make it very clear by italicising the flashbacks. Before the flashbacks begin, you also have sentences, which signal to the reader that there is going to be a time shift, e.g. these sentences: I guess the best place to start would be my first encounter with Scorpius Malfoy. and when the flashback ends: I'm pulled back to the present by the arrival of my three bridesmaids... To be honest, I think this is a bit too much, and I would suggest you either leave out those sentences or you incorporate the italicised flashbacks into the present unitalicised narrative. For example, if you want to keep the italics and flashbacks and take the reader out of the present moment to show a segment of Rose's past - when the flashback ends, instead of telling us that the flashback has ended, you could just begin the sentence with "My three bridesmaids arrived..." OK, this might sound a little confusing; I don't know if I've explained this clearly so if you have any questions, do please PM me or something. At any rate, whatever I'm saying here are all suggestions, and as this is your story it's completely up to you whether you choose to take up my words or not :)
Another thing about this chapter is that it begins at a very significant moment in Rose's life - her wedding, whether she's entirely happy to be married to this Xander Zabini or not. I think you need to provide more context to the present moment, about the impending ceremony, her family and everything. And you might need to develop a little bit more about this Zabini person. I know this is the first chapter and all, but so far your flashbacks and moments of the past are much stronger and more well-developed than the moments in present. I know that Rose is probably happier with the past, but still, there would be a greater sense of balance in your story if both timelines are developed equally.
OK, finally, there are grammatical and punctuation errors here and there but I'm not going to pick them out. Perhaps you or your beta might sit down and go through this chapter carefully to correct them :)
Well, all in all, this is a really great start to your story! It's quite a complex story so far, with its time shifts and sensitive characterisation and I'm really interested to see how this turns out! I hope this review is of some use to you (and hopefully not too critical)! Thanks for requesting :)
Author's Response: Hi, thanks so much for leaving such a detailed review, I can tell you put a lot of time into it:)
I'm glad that you liked the first chapter, as I have no experience at all in next gen so I was a little worried about writing it!
I'm so glad that you liked Rose, as she's one of my favourite characters so it was so important for me to get her personality right!
I hate it when people make Scorpius identical to Draco, so I wanted to put a spin on the usual him! Haha as I much as I love Ravenclaws I've always imagined them more socially awkward than the other houses. Hence Scorpius being awkward over the first kiss, and of course it would only happen after they've done their homework! I'm glad that you found it realistic, as I was wondering whether that scene was a little too cliche or not:)
Woo the time shifts worked! That is a good point about removing or alterting the shift back to the present sentence, as it does disrupt the flow a little. It's just sometimes it's confusing I wanted to make it as obvious as possible:)
Also including more details about the wedding is a great idea as well, as given that it's so important I should devote my chapter time to it.
Yeah I have tendency to prefer writing the flashbacks than the present scenes, as they're more fun to do! I'll have to make sure I include more detail about the present as someone else mentioned that as well.
I just edited the chapter so hopefully the grammar/punctuation errors have gone, but I'll make sure that I have another read through as well, to be 100% sure:D
This review was really helpful, as it helped me identify where there are some gaps in my story, so hopefully I can pad that out! I didn't find it too critical it was really useful actually! Thanks for the great review, Kiana :)