|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Hiya! teh tarik from the forums here with your requested review :) So I'm very glad the spacing and formatting in this chapter is normal :D It makes it so much easier for me to read and concentrate on how your story is developing.
So I think your story is coming on nicely. This chapter is definitely better written than the first, maybe because you've really started getting into the writing. It flows much better, and the POV switch is an excellent choice. Sapphire's narration is very strong and individualistic and I think her character has a lot of potential. I really enjoyed her interactions with Fred II. It's quite a complicated series of interactions, and I understand that these two have a history of this. There's that desire to elicit a reaction from each other, or to have the upper hand over each other; there's resentment and vindictive pleasure; and there is definitely a certain level of sexual tension :P I like the complexity of Sapphire and Fred's relationship and I can't wait to find out why and how this started. However, I do think that the language could be tidied up a little and you could sharpen your prose a bit more; despite that little segment being very interesting, it was a bit too long, and there were a few repetitive bits. I suggest going through your prose thoroughly and weeding out unnecessary repetitions or redundant sentences and descriptions. This will really give an edge to your prose and will enable the narrative to have greater focus.
Also, in the part with Fred, I think your writing could be improved if there was greater proportion between the amount of dialogue and Sapphire's internal monologue. The latter does get a little too heavy in certain places; I would suggest cutting some of it out.
So I'm really thinking about the whole scenario of the Grim Reaper forcing Amber to marry James and bear his kids and the plausibility of the whole thing. Well, this is fanfiction after all, and so there shouldn't be a cap on your imagination. But so far I haven't really bought the whole concept yet. I think that this is a very fascinating and unique idea, but I also think that plenty of work needs to be done to convince the reader that this really is a serious life-changing situation for the characters, and a believable one as well. You can improve by paying greater attention to detail. I would advise you to provide more details on things like setting, history, family backgrounds - and definitely a lot more on this ghost reaper thing. It would be nice to see the emotional and psychological effects this very strange encounter with the reaper ghost has on the characters :) They seem a little too accepting of everything, especially since Sapphire is such a fierce and spirited girl. OK, yeah, so basically more detail and development on the ghost.
Finally, I think you do need to really go through your sentences. Some of them are really ambiguous, others are a little awkwardly put together e.g. "No wait. You can't just leave," I called out, my voice slightly picking up on the internal panicking as I started to lose the one thing I treasured the most, control. Your sentence would be a lot more effective and less clunky if you'd just written, "my voice starting to lose control" or some variation of this. It's already very clear that Sapphire is panicking internally :)
OK, well, whew. I hope I haven't given you too much critique or anything. I just think that this is quite an original story idea you have, and of course there's so much potential for this if you could touch up on the areas I suggested. This is a very solid chapter and I do think you've got a good sense of characterisation, and of the complexities of character interactions. So well done! Keep writing!
Author's Response: Hey teh!
Thanks for leaving a review!
glad you liked the story a bit better than the last chp! I fixed the things you mentioned, thanks for pointing it out =)
Thank you for the compliment! it means alot!