Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Jchrissy says:
Hi mídear!

This is such an interesting story idea. Having James meet someone that isnít his Hogwarts mate, a woman in a really terrible situation, is absolutely compelling.

I think you did a good job giving us an idea of what this town is like. What the OC went through and tried to change. I like that wanted to be accepted. She didnít want to be feared, to be different. That made her very accessible as a reader.

Whatís happening in this chapter is a really dark way to start, and I think you did such a good job giving her realistic feelings. I would suggest taking a look at a few parts, mainly when she thinks back to what her mother said. Of course thatís a really good piece of information, but it isnít something we need right this second. If that makes sense. It sort of just makes an unnecessary distraction from whatís happening in this chapter. And whatís happening is so important that the last think you want to do is distract readers, you know?

I often see the Crucio curse... underwhelming. It seems like the character hurts at the same level you would if a toe was stubbed. So I was really thrilled with the way you described her pain, I think you did an excellent job with that. You created a gut wrenching sort of feeling in me, nice job ♥

The section when the villagers being talking could be smoothed out a bit. Itís jarring, and again your start is so powerful that you want it as smooth as possible. Just something small like this:

Instead of--

When he finally did stop, I stood there as time stayed still. I could see colors flashing around my eyes and fleetingly I wondered what this would do for my future child, for whom I was being tortured so brutally. I heard a buzzing noise around me, but assuming it was the after effect of the spell I disregarded it as I fought with my body to stay awake--

Something along the lines of--

When he finally stopped, I stood there as time stayed still. I could see colors flashing around me eyes and I fleetingly wondered what this would do to the life growing inside me. The reason that I was being subjected to this torture, as well as my strength to try and survive it. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard the voices of the villagers, though whether it was reality for falsehood, I couldnít tell.

--then skip the entire part where they're discussing his looks, because sheís not going to be able to focus on their words after what she just endured, and continue it with connecting it here:

As I came around more and more, the voices became clearer and I recognized them to be those of the people who Iíd called my friends.

--Then, connect James to the situation with something like:

ďWhatís going on here?Ē came the deep tone of a man, and I flinched despite myself. My body fearing it would undergo more torture.

Then bring her around to understanding that itís not Richard.

That was the only part that I felt was choppy, and it only felt that way because the majority of this is so powerful. I think you have such an excellent start, good luck ♥


Author's Response: Hey Jami! Thank you so much for leaving a review!

Im glad you liked this =) I edited the spots you mentioned and hope now they arent as bad lol.

I thought I did really badly w/ the curse so thank you for letting me know it was terrible :P

This was really helpful! Thanks so much for taking time to review!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 782
Submit Report: