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Review:adluvshp says:
Hello! Here for your requested review!

I am so glad that you re-requested, since I am really enjoying this story and wanted to read further =)

I was pleased to see that, as you promised in your previous author's response, you showed some more character development in Jack in this chapter. In fact, I take back what I said in my previous review(s) about not having enough character development. Currently, I am loving your characterisation of Jack, you seem to be revealing all these aspects about his personality bit by bit in every chapter which is an awesome strategy, and I am crazy to have overlooked that! The way you delved into his personality gradually, it definitely maintains my interest, and keeps me hooked to his character.

I loved that you showed this "moral" side to him, where he feels horrified of feeding on an old lady. I liked that part where he couldnt grasp the will humans have to keep living even though their body is giving up, it showed this insecure, almost scared side to him - since 60 years, he's used to being immortal, to not have his body deteriorate, so the horror he feels at the thought of being in the old lady's position, is very justified. I think that scene really showed a lot about his personality, so great job. Similarly, I loved the part where he puts on those Disguiso-Specs (or whatever they were called) and sees his face as a human, and then begs his friend to have them again. I think that part too shows a lot about his personality, of him having this almost childish desire to be somewhat human and to be accepted. I think the two scenes (of the specs and the old lady) contrasted very well, and showed this conflicting complex trait in Jack. You've really crafted him well, so hats off! I cant wait to see more of how you portray him!

I like Rorp too, and its great that you decided to focus a little more on the minor/supporting characters in the story, as opposed to how you wrote previously, though of course, Rorp plays a bigger role I guess. I'd love to know more about him to, and wished that you'd explored him a little further than you did, but I am hoping that we'll see more into him in the upcoming chapters.

The Prussian Court clan seems to be very interesting indeed and I think, with the snippets of information you provided about them, you've succeeded in creating this intrigue or curiosity around them. Talking about the clan, I must compliment you on the way you wrote the newspaper article - I think it was brilliantly written, and very spot-on, just like I'd imagine it to be. Good job!

And of course, Alison (that was her name wasn't it) has me intrigued now, since it was her that commanded Jack apparently. Its great the way you have developed the air of mystery regarding her being a Ministry personnel, and ambushing Jack and Rorp. The ending was powerful with that, though the last two sentences sounded a little off - maybe you could rephrase them to sound a little more in flow?

That was about the characterisations. Coming to the humour, I think you succeeded in maintaining a balance in this chapter too. The opening of the chapter was humorous, but as it progressed, it became mysterious and more serious. I think that its good that you aren't overdoing the humour, and not
forcing it into the story, but if you aim for it to be a prominent genre of the story, you'll need to bring in a little more humour in the story than there already is (I say this because humour is listed as one of your genres). However, I do think your writing style is balanced which is very good so you couldn't change that. If you do want to maintain humour as a main genre though, put in more humour in your dialogue, and situations. Otherwise, you can leave it as it is =)

One more minor thing I'd like to say, is to maybe work on your descriptions. In some places, they're really good, but in some places, I feel the scene could do with some more. For example, the scene where Jack puts on the specs and sees himself as a human in the mirror, instead of just expressing it through dialogue that he looked human, and just telling the action that Jack did, it would have been nicer (at least for me) to have more description/detail in the narrative saying what Jack looked like. For instance, something like "Jack gasped as he saw there was colour in his cheekbones and his lips evenly shaped..." - that is awful of course but I was just giving an example. What I mean to say is, in such kind of scenes, more details are appreciated, especially if you're talking about physical appearances or scenic views, or even descriptions of the streets, etc. - those kind of things require more visual descriptions than usual.

Besides that, the over all flow, pace, and grammar of the chapter was pretty good, and apart from the very minor things I said in the above paragraphs, I don't think I have much CC to give you. It's good to see that you utilised my advice about not ending segments in dialogue, as that has made this flow so much smoother. Another little advice I'd give regarding that is, instead of using three asterixes (***) at the end of your segments, use a horizontal page break option (available in the HPFF editor thing) as that would make it easier to discern scene break-offs.

All in all though, this was a very well-written chapter, and I could see great improvement from chapters 1 and 2, so great job! I really liked it and I think you're headed in an awesome direction with this story. Please feel free to re-request for the next chapter when its posted!

9/10

Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

P.S. Sorry for the awfully long review, I didn't realize I rambled so much! It was an awesome chapter though =)

Author's Response: Hey there!

It's wonderful that you came back gladly :) Sometimes I imagine reviewers groaning as they click on my link, thinking ugh not again, haha.

Believe it or not, your advice was pretty high on the list of things I kept in mind when writing the chapter. It was really good advice, after all! That said, I must admit that I like the asterixes. I can't seem to relax when reading stories that use the horizontal line, just because you would never see that in a book. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I just can't get used to unconventional formatting XD Also, I find that *** are less rough as a transition. It's a question of taste, I guess!

Actually, I was quite unsure of the humour in this story. I thought about it, but realized that there is no way I can tastefully portray an old-lady being sucked dry of her blood in a humourful way :P . I hope there ARE people who can do it, though, that would be quite an achievement! And since the chapter is centered around that scene, I guess I couldn't get my mood onto the right wavelength. So this is one of the more serious chapters. Now that you mention it, I suppose I'll put humour as a sub-genre of the story to be safe.

As to descriptions, I will see what I can do! Apparently, I failed a bit towards the end, since the text seems to have mislead you in terms of who Alison is...Hm, that shows that I really need to polish that bit, and I will get onto it asap. Oh, and thank you for commenting on the article. I also felt that I did pretty well on it, that's the reason I left it in the text (initially I thought it wasn't necessary) - so I'm glad to be confirmed in that regard!

Once again, thank you for a wonderful review! I will be more than happy to re-request as soon as the next chapter is complete. And I hope Jack doesn't disappoint :)


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