|Review:||Elphaba and Boyfriends says:|
Hi, Elphaba back again!
This is a funny, very enjoyable chapter, and it's clear that you have put a lot of work into crafting the story; even the small details.
The one complaint I have is with punctuation. I'm only pointing out the following issues in an attempt to be helpful. :) I really do like your story so far!
The book title "Wuthering Heights" should be italicized to set it apart from the rest of the text.
There are a few places where you've used unnecessary apostrophes, like here: "I replied thinking back to all the arguments those two have had with our Professor's," and here: "It was just the Slytherin's I couldn't stand," and here: "The only other Gryffindor's who took this class..." An apostrophe is only needed for possessive nouns. This one is correct: "Mine and Maia's wasn't actually that bad though it was more of a lime green than a pale one..."
There are also lots of places that could use commas or periods. I think this is the one area that could use the most work. Here are just a couple of examples:
"Thalia! What are you doing down here so early itís at least another hour until breakfast starts?" I think Remus would write and speak with "proper" punctuation. :) His version might look like: "Thalia! What are you doing down here so early? Itís at least another hour until breakfast starts."
"Despite leaving the Great Hall later than usual this morning we were still the first ones at the dungeons, due to the prank the Marauders pulled they were probably still being shouted at by McGonagall."
I would break it up like so:
"Despite leaving the Great Hall later than usual this morning, we were still the first ones at the dungeons. Due to the prank the Marauders pulled, they were probably still being shouted at by McGonagall."
Now, here are all the great things that I like about this chapter:
Remus and Thalia's discussion of books, muggle interests and Sirius is very well done. It reveals a lot about all three characters, and I think it definitely fits Sirius's character to take interest in muggles. This line is really funny, too: "I never thought Black would have had the concentration span to read an entire book."
The Quidditch discussion with George Wood is also great. Their dialog seems very natural, and I appreciate the detail about England having an advantage over Oman because they typically ride carpets. It shows me that you've paid close attention to details in the books, since carpets aren't often mentioned.
Finally, I really like the conversation between Thalia and Sirius at the end, as well as the thoughts that run through her head: "Wait a second; did Sirius Black just compliment me? No it can't be, since when did he do or say anything nice."
Thanks for another enjoyable chapter!
Author's Response: Hey Elphaba and thank you for another lovely and helpful review!
Yeah I know I have lots of issues with puctuation, as I tend to be excited about posting the next chapter, I never really want to give it a proper read through, which is a big mistake! Adding to the fact I'm terrible at grammar, you can see why I end up with all the mistakes! Thanks for pointing them out, as the more I realise where I make them, I can learn from it, and hopefully not make them in the future:)
Yeah I remembered Harry noticing the motorbike picture, so I thought I could expand on it with the whole book loving thing.
And yay for flying carpets! I remebered they were mentioned at the quidditch world cup, and they always sounded so much fun to me, so I thought it was only right to include them ;D
Thank you for the lovely review again! Kiana :)