Hey! It's Whiskey from the formus with your review! I'm sorry for taking such a monumental amount of time to get to you, but, you know, life.
Well, wow, the idea is...original! And my goodness, that ghost is a real piece of, uh,rotten ectoplasm!
I liked how you revealed the story in bits, flashing back and forth between the past and the present. This form of story -telling is great for those with a short attention-span (guilty! :p) and also creates suspence.
If you don't mind, I'd like to offer some CC that, I think, could really make the story come to life. First, maybe my treacherous attention-span failed at some point and left me with a blind-spot, but I don't recall getting a description of what the ghost looks like. I think a few details about his face or clothing could add alot to the scene. Since ghosts are quite common-place in the HP universe, what makes this one creepy from the very second you see him?
Also, in terms of style, I noticed some run-on sentences. For example right from the start, we get this: "I sighed as I placed my hand into Mike's, defeatedly and closed my eyes as the bottom of my stomach dropped, feeling the world swirl around me as we both apparated to the Burrow where it was going to happen." That is a lot of things happening in one sentence. I think that separating it into several sentences could add more weight to what you are describing. Hand-placing and apparating are very different actions, as well, so it's sort of difficult for orientation if they are in one sentence like this.
Also, I really liked the opening bit, where you were addressing the reader (or, uh, a child, I guess, based on the "young one" part...). I would have liked to see you maintain that style of narration for the sake of consistency (first of all) and also because it's just fun and it worked so well when you did use it.
Well, I hope i could offer you some useful comments:)
Author's Response: Hey Whiskey! Sorry I took forever to respond!
I am glad you liked the idea. I will go bk and look at the CC's you offered! thank you so much for doing so =) I hav noticed the grim reaper really needs description so i will add that to him lol
oh i didn't realize that! i will try to add that as well ! thanks for reviewing =)