|Review:||Roots in Water says:|
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
And just when I thought I might be able to catch up... You post another two chapters. Ah well- at least I know I'll never have to wait to read the next one. :P
Ah- that was such a sweet ending to the chapter! When Peter first called out to Lily to come, I was worried that there was a more dangerous reason as to why she was needed... After all, she had just broken up the beginnings of a different fight. But once they entered the pet shop I knew...
I really liked the progress you made with the relationship between James and Lily in this chapter. Though they still aren't together together, they're definitely moving in that direction. I particularly liked the flash of envy Lily experienced when she saw Frank and Alice together. The other moments in the chapter- the quiet moment when he says that she's beautiful, her thoughts on her dependence on him- show just how close they've gotten and just how emotional and true this relationship is/will be. They won't be together simply because they've been told that they would be good together; they'll be together because they are both attracted physically, mentally, in all ways possible, to each other. And it's such a wonderful thing to see.
Might I add that I really liked the detail about Frank having a toad as a pet? It was a really nice link to Neville and Trevor and adds an extra dimension as to why Neville has a toad as a pet.
(Back from that sort-of side-track) I really enjoyed how you gave them a "normal day". It was a nice reminder that even though they are the Marauders, and even though they're living in the beginning of the first Wizarding War, that they are still in their final year at Hogwarts, that they still have regular duties to worry about, alongside schoolwork.
Furthermore, this chapter didn't feel slow to me- you slipped in enough small moments that feels like it all added up to something big. The progress in the relationship between James and Lily, the almost revelation about Belle's past, the basic demonstration of the solidness of the friendships... It was a wonderful chapter from the perspective of character development and depth.
If there was one thing (and only one thing) that I felt a little odd about, it was the encounter between the prefect and her pregnant cousin. It seemed to spark something in Belle, which makes me even more curious about her past, but I'm wondering if the scene serves an even larger purpose... It certainly seemed odd that a Slytherin was saying that her parents were more progressive than her cousin's. If it turns out to not serve a larger purpose, then it would be a scene I'd consider taking out, since it fit a little roughly into the larger scene.
I noticed a few other things but they're mostly personal opinion, so feel free to ignore them! To begin, with the phrase "the next form, then the next" I would add an "and" before the "then". As well, the phrase "FI (Form Invalid) next to his name which was written on a separate sheet, then slipped the form behind that parchment" sounded slightly awkward to me. Would "next to his name on a separate sheet, then..." work instead? And then with the phrase "only a few months had to have been a record for those two" I would change it to "had to be" and with "from both James an Sirius" you missed the "d" in "and". Finally, with "I did three toes", are you missing "scratch" or "hurt"?
I have one other comment: Is it possible that you could give Abigail more of an introduction? Her appearance seemed kind of sudden and it wasn't until Lily mentioned that she was a prefect that I remembered that we'd probably seen her before... Then again, my memory for characters can be pretty poor. :P
Your transitions between the sections were great! Nothing felt awkwardly done and I particularly liked the transition from the hallway into Lily's rooms- your first sentence made it really clear that the setting (and thus the scene) had changed.
All in all, I think that you did a fantastic job with this chapter! It was certainly a pleasure to read; thanks for requesting a review!
Author's Response: Hi Roots!!! Sorry this response has taken me so long to get to :(
Showing that Lily and James eventually become, well, Lily and James simply because they are in love, they care about one another, and they'd never want to live a life without each other is everything I want to do with these books. I can't stand when they're painted as a pair that married because of the war, and I'm so happy that you think the little details are showing how true their feelings are &hearts'
I'm reading the review as I response right now, and your comments are just so amazing to hear (well, read). I just want to stop responding and sit here in all my warm feels, but then it'll be longer until I response and I don't want that! You just have no idea how much it means to me that you feel like this is showing why they came together in the first place. I want to hug you!
Hehe. I couldn't help but leave out the toad idea. Maybe Trevor was Frank's toad's baby :P
I'm so happy it didn't feel too slow! I really wanted to sit back and take a bit to let more of their characteristics shine through, but I know everyone doesn't love reading over 7,000 words on a normal day. Thank you for making me feel reassured that even if it was a quieter one, it still wasn't boring ♥
YES to your larger purpose question. We'll see Alana (the cousin) again on and off, and both her being pregnant and her denial that her parents are as harsh as Abigail's come back to us in book two. When the group is in the order. It won't be for a while now, but because it also ties into Belle it felt like the best place to put it. But I'll go through and see if there is a way I can make it fit in a bit smoother, thank you for pointing that out ♥
Abigail's last mention in chapter with Moody. Two chapters ago, I think. But her mention is just small. It's when Lily is calling the names of the Slytherin prefects and Briscoe says that Abigail couldn't make it, and he both seems annoyed at his fellow prefect and like he doesn't believe her. She comes a bit more after this, so I absolutely want to make sure there's recognition of her in this chapter. I'll go back and see if I can get a few lines in during the class with Moody. Maybe Lily can ask her why she wasn't there that morning or something... Sorry. I started brainstorming and got sidetracked :P Thank you for pointing that out, too, m'dear ♥
Oh good! I'm so happy that I smoothed out the transitions!
Thank you so much for this awesome review. Yours always offer so much insight and great advice. I know It's probably a bit ridiculous that I request each time you have a slop open, but I just can't help myself. Though I do hope you'll let me know if it ever becomes too much ♥
Your reviews always make me want to head over to Pansy. It's easy to forget to catch up on my reviewing, since I'm terrible and kept up on the reading part, but then I see Roots in Water and think, OH! I want to go reviewing Pansy! Which means you'll probably be seeing me later this evening;)
Thank you, m'dear! ♥