WAIL BECAUSE INVICTUS AND WAIL BECAUSE ANGST.
we have shared so much angst in the past week or so that it seems very fitting I should be reading this. thank you for updating, oh mighty lilyeth~
okay, okay, despite saying okay twice (and now thrice) this line is NOT OKAY:
"Poppy," you said, because we were on first-name terms, "Poppy, please, give her something, put her to sleep, give her a dreamless. What do I do? Put her to sleep, put me to sleep."
do you WANT me to feel things like I felt just then? seriously. that line's a punch in the gut.
I feel like there's a marked difference in Rose from chapter to chapter. when I say marked, I make it sound like it's obvious...it's actually very subtle, but I can sense it, and she feels a bit more unravelled in this chapter than she's done before.
so Scorpius was at the funeral? I'm aching to figure out exactly what's gone on here - how and why Rose witnessed Hermione and Hugo's death, why Scorpius can see (or part-see?) thestrals, etc, etc.
and Scorpius. mowh. I want to gather him up in my arms and hug him.
I like what you said about the applause at the funeral being partly selfish on everyone's part - I think? how they applaud for themselves, and how they possibly feel grief in more of a selfish way because of Hermione's fame, etc. I'm not clever enough to do some anaylsis wizardry here but that line really resonated with me for some reason.
'Dom catches my eye past your shoulder. I do not see her; just the aura of your heat, and what it does to me.' we share in angst and I understand this so well and...FEELS.
also, when Rose says the last time she cried herself to sleep - before everything fell apart. before, not after. I am making a note of this because I feel like it's important (and I bet I'm way off the mark).
and I love her description of Scorpius being asleep. she finds pretty things in the gormless mouth and the squished cheek and the half-moustache.
(momentary snort: Rose's eyebrows were the topic of one of her first conversations with Scorpius.)
I think I partly love this story because it works with my headcanon so well. you've subverted so many things in a very beautiful and natural way - Rose and Scorpius, for instance. here she's a little unhinged with a lot of secrets and an allegience to Percy; he's the sweet and shiny one. it fits how I imagine them, but in a fresh way, and they feel like totally new, totally revolutionary characters. I just love this fic in so many ways I cannot express~
I feel like Rose might underestimate Scorpius too much and this may come back to bite her in the backside (so to speak) soon. the bit where she says he won't have charmed his stuff and it'll be easy to summon things - that especially. I may just be reading into things again but OH WELL.
(that ahem was totally umbridge back for vengeance o k)
thestrals!!! I feel a bit tense now. I've even stopped eating this satsuma so I can concentrate on reading.
('and Professor Professor has entered the classroom' - is this a typo or...? because it reminds me of community when jeff makes up a conspiracy theories class taught by professor professerson and yeah.)
'Once, before we knew each other well, I used to will myself to feel for you. I considered your profile one day realising your presence procured no reaction in me, and wished fervently for the strange visceral twisting I knew to accompany obsession, and wished for them at every thought of you. - guhhh so beautiful.
I have to say I was a wee bit confused by the introduction of James and 'work' at the end - I think it was a flashback, right? aarrgh. I think I'm too wound up in angst to concentrate!
this was another perfect chapter, lovely! I adore you and stuff ♥
Author's Response: JULIA ♥
Rose's outer world is closer to getting to where she's been planning it to go for the whole story--she's really close to the break in and retrieving the letters and even in getting Scorpius to talk to her again (she already got a snog, to be fair), so of course, I have to balance this out by making her a little more cray inside, don't I? That's just what this fic promises.
Scorp. was at the funeral, indeed. I can make that clearer when I go back to edit. It's hard for me to tell what's just in my head and what I've actually put on the page.
And yes, you're reading applause just how I meant it. I meant there to be some irony there, too, because Rose is totally self-absorbed and she's projecting it onto other people, whether or not it's actually true for them.
I think you might be onto something in that she last cried to sleep /before/ stuff got horrible with her and Scorpius; but I don't know if I was ever planning to explain it properly so I'm glad you brought it up haha. I wrote it because after stuff went wrong between them Rose was just on a mission to get it right again for her own good and was writing to Scorpius like a madwoman (more letters to come in the next chapter) and also had Percy at her ear telling her to get her stuff together, so she's never gotten to the point of processing her grief. She hasn't even acknowledged it. I think her first reaction to the news was to feel guilty for distracting Mum and Hugo right before they got, well, killed, and she thinks it's her fault, so she gets jumpy every time someone mentions them, more than the average person does when something just hurts. So she's still in this phase of protecting herself. She didn't get the "poison" out and it's ruining her life. Also Scorpius's probably bc he still loves her, in a way.
Scorpius is definitely going to be a physical presence in the next chapter. I'd pre-written one of the scenes half a year ago and I've done a bit of hemming and hawing on it to try to fit it to the plot I actually wrote (which has deviated wildly from the plot I planned). Someone who you aren't expecting is going to get hurt. You are a perceptive reader is all I'm going to say... :3
I feel--this may be tmi but deal with it, you've heard worse from me--like this fic stems vividly from personal feelings, so, I always feel like the person I'm enamored with is better and a good person and I'm this little leetch on society who has no right to consider a togetherness; so this fic stems both from my hopes and from me facing up to facts about myself. I don't know, I may be looking for answers. Maybe a conclusion to this story can be two birds with one stone.
Thestrals are my way of rooting the story in people's hidden feelings. Addae has been somewhat obviously on a mission but this is the one real curiosity he has about Rose, something he organically just wants to know, and so he acts like a decent human when he realizes he's overstepped his boundaries and leaves Rose alone. Scorpius saw Rose at the verge of jumping off the astronomy tower and he's seen how she's "dead" since, so, whenever he encounters the Thestrals he imagines that he's going to see him. He feels like he's witnessed enough to garner at least a glimpse. I think I'm going to have Rose explain in real words how she saw her fam die bc it is not clear at this point and I don't think it needs to stay a mystery...
Professor Professor was originally a typo but Rachel told me to keep it. And I did.
Yes, it was a flashback! I tried with questionable success to root the scene in time with "after I'd convinced myself it was good to love you" or whatever I wrote. I'll do it more concretely. I'm realizing there are things that are questions that DON'T NEED TO BE QUESTIONS and it's my fault for not writing it better, but this story is such a boiling cauldron inside of me that I forget what ingredients I've already added, if you will.
♥ I ADORE /YOU/