Okay, you had me at Percy Weasley/Stripper. I can't wait to read, so here we go!
I'm really intrigued by the idea of Percy going to a strip club; a Muggle strip club no less. It's interesting that he's sitting in the front, but the fact that he looks so dead to the world says a lot about his decision to be there. This is really witty and a bit sad, too--I loved the line about the heater smearing her makeup, but the men not noticing her face anyway.
One thing that I do notice is a lot of run-on sentences. You could break them up into multiple sentences, or even add in some punctuation to make it easier to read. For example, this: "It had been odd but she’d thought he was a bit cuter before she’d flicked her gaze over his face, noticing the glasses on the bridge of his nose and she’d squinted a bit as he’d briefly looked around to catch their color" could be shortened to something like this: "It was odd, but she’d thought he was a bit cuter before she’d flicked her gaze over his face. Then she noticed the glasses on the bridge of his nose, and as he looked around she’d squinted a bit to catch their color." Of course, you're obviously a talented writer and don't have to use that sentence xD It's just an example.
Oh my gosh, how funny that Lee and George took him out!! It all makes so much sense now--why he's even there in the first place. I like that she singles him out because he's the only one who seems to not be eating her alive with his eyes. Interesting, too, that you mention her relationship with her father. It's so realistic and completely explains why she would choose a job that seeks attention from men (of course that's not her only reason; you said she wanted to be an artist, but you know what I mean).
I laughed at Audrey telling Percy that she wasn't going to take his virginity--and when George said that he could look, because she had clothes on xD Poor guy! Everyone teases him, eh?
WHOAAA. what? Percy, Jesus Christ. Why are you sexually harassing this girl? Touching her without asking? I feel like he went way to far there. Like, way too far. I feel like he was really mean to her too... I know she's a little insecure about herself, but I think he was verging on emotionally abusive with talking about her body and such. Really intense.
I do like that she took him to a seedy burger restaurant though. It was interesting to see Percy suck in another world like that. He seemed really uncomfortable! And I wonder why all the darkness and secrecy? Is she going to see him again?
All in all, nice job :3
Author's Response: HellO!
Thank you for your review, I didn't expect you to be able to get to it soon. But thanks for choosing this story, I didn't think that alot of people would really go for this idea. And yet, I'm shocked whenever I get a review and you've made me so very pleased! :3
Have some candy.
Ooh, I see that that sentence needs to go away! Argh. I had edited this chapter on my computer but haven't uploaded it because I've been so busy but I see what you mean with it. :p
I've got tons of run ons and such and that's a problem I try to fix more now.
Yeah, Lee and George taking him there makes you want to burst out laughing. They're vey annoying so of course Percy wouldn't want to be there in first place! He was sort of bullied into it, to be honest. Hahahahhaa.
You know, I don't think that just because people don't talk about it that alot of girls don't have these sort of issues. With her singling out Percy, who didn't look at her like a piece of meat to her job, Audrey's a pretty interesting character I think. Some people don't like that idea but I've gone with it and have just let her tell me what she wants. :p
She's mean to me. Hahahha.
YES. Everyone teases Percy! Audrey actually doesn't STOP making fun of him and well, George. He's GEORGE. He's annoying anyway so picking on Percy is just normal. HAHAHA.
AH! This is the fourth or so comment about Percy's attitude regarding Audrey. I might have to go back and change that because I don't want him coming off like such a jerk. :p
In later chapters, I've changed his attitude quite a bit but this first chapter needs some work on my end. :p
Him feeling her up and such was rather rude and he had this nasty attitude. HAHAHA.
Perhaps you should read "That Night" to understand why, its a one-shot of mine that I've got up. It might not make you like him very much but...I'm not going to justify it. Hahah. Erm, I'm awful.
I like putting Percy in places that he isn't comfortable! Its fun and he can't do anything about it. Oh, and he's so much different from canon, which explains all the secrecy and darkness. ;)
She sees him again by accident! :D
Anyhoo, thanks for your review, it means quite a bunch. :D