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Review:ChaosWednesday says:
hey, it's Whiskey :)

I loved how you started with confusion, but had Roxanne snap out of it rather quickly and get to business :D It's a nice trick to involve the reader (we can associate better if our character is just as confused as we are and asks the same questions) but as soon as the reader gets accostomed to the story, you make sure to hook them with new information. Information that, by the way, I find you reveal in excatly the right dossages:not too much and just enough to keep us guessing.

So, basically, very interesting! I am curious to know what this unavoidable and tragic "it" was that happened int he future! I also liked Knockturn alley :) I found your dialogues were good (except maybe when the forger settles for 8 thousand so quickly through his daughter's intervention, maybe you couldadd a couple more details to explain why). If I were to give any suggestions for improvement, it would be some of your sentences. You often make long and complex statements, and they seem to lose potency. Also, this paragrpah was a bit klunky: "She turned her lip up in disgust and made a vocal disapproving sound. She walked out of the bathroom and looked into the mirror. She took one more glance up and down to make a final appraisal of her old-fashioned clothes before venturing off." Mostly because all thre sentences start with "she". Also "disapproving vocal sound" is not very inspired :P Apart from things like that, I found this story got off to a great start! Keep writing:)

Author's Response: Hey Whiskey,

I'm glad the beginning was effective. I was a bit afraid people would find it boring, as it is the first chapter and nothing really excited happened in the beginning.

Well don't we all haha. Lets say the future is not a place you would want to live. I will look into your suggestions. I will definitely look into it, but I'm still glad you enjoyed it though. Thank you for the review!


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