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Review:ChaosWednesday says:
Hey!I saw the link in the formus and you got me intrigued, so I decided to come by and have a look for myself :)

When I started reading the Lily part, I got quite excited. You see, I wrote a very similar one-shot recently (only focusing on Lily, though). It's rare to read about her not in connection to James (or being a mother) and I'm glad you left him out of her story!

You seemed nervous about the style, but i think it's great and offers many new opportunities! First of all, addressing the reader directly involves them whether they want to be or not! It contributes to the immediacy of what is being told and increases the emotional impact. I think it was a great choice for a story such as this.

One thing that you might want to look out for in such a direct address of the reader is that you must explain (or hint at) who is doing the telling, and why. I believe, if done right, it could even add to the sadness of the presentation. The narrator clearly knew the marauders and lily very well! Adding some more obvious "unreliable narrator" moments would have made for an even more enticing read. We would realize that this is someone trying to convince themselves of the good memories as a way of dealing with grief, which can be a very moving thing to whitness. You did this at the beginning of the Sirius bit and it was great! I would have liked to see more.

When you admitted that the loss of Sirius was somehow more difficult to deal with than the ones that were mentioned before, it not only added some subjectivity, but also created something akin to a narrative development, or structure that tied together the bits and explained that there is a reason for their order. I also liked how you left peter for last. I was happy to see some redemption for him! In fact, I dare say I would have enjoyed seeing more of his part, with less excuses and more reality. Shock the reader, you know? It's just my preference, but if you ignored the general consensus of peter being the devil's spawn and just mentioned the good memories from a time when he was young and innocent, I think the impact would have been stronger. And it would have ended the story with a bang ;)

Also,I think my favourite part was the one about James. I just loved this: "Have you ever noticed how the sun looks right when itís about to rise? When itís still surrounded by ashy clouds, and barely poking up over the hill? Well, thatís Jamesís smile. A sudden burst of color thatís able to shine, even through a layer of darkness." It's very close to cheesy, but, well, I found that it wasn't somehow? Instead, it seemed just about right, with a nice blend of melodrama and honesty in it.

Well,I hope I could offer you some useful advice! I really did enjoy reading this story :)

Cheers!

Author's Response: Hi m'dear! I'm so happy you liked the style of this. This is going to sound odd, and I really did try and pick a narrator to tell the second person PoV from... but I just couldn't. haha. I wanted to be the narrator, if that makes sense. So I figured I'd do the whole 'great narrator in the sky' type of thing. Which I may end up regretting, but it felt so good talking about these characters through *me* and no one else. I thought about doing second person attached to the actual characters of the sections, but that just didn't feel like what I wanted. I swear, when my marauder sads take over I don't know what I'm doing half the time :P

I like your ideas regarding Peter, I'll definitely have to think about that!

Hahah I wondered if that part about James would be cheesy. But I think I feel like you did. It was and it wasn't. Maybe we feel like that because James himself is sort of cheesy, so it just fit him?

Thank you so much for your awesome opinions and compliments on this one shot ♥ I hope I didn't sound like I was brushing your suggestion as having an actual narrator off, I just... I don't know. This feels too personal to want anyone else getting to narrate it except for me, if that makes sense.

Thanks again, m'dear ♥


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