|Review:||Elphaba and Boyfriends says:|
Hello, Elphaba back again. :)
First off, I really like your breezy, humorous tone. Lines like this one: "Well, he was the person who tied them together with magical handcuffs for a day," kept me chuckling consistently.
I also really how your dialog builds tension in a natural way, like this:
"Why so quick to get away Longwood? Am I really that horrific?" Sirius asked with his typical smirk on his face.
"No, not on the contrary, I just don't want to be associated with those dim-witted blondes you usually socialise with," I retorted.
The banter between the girls is also very good. :)
I did notice quite a few run-on sentences throughout this chapter. Here's one example: "The fan clubs follow Potter and Black all over the school, the other members of their group, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, are idolised to a lesser extent but still have a few girls following their every move."
I would probably replace the comma after "school" with a period, and add a comma between "extent" and "but". If you're unsure where to break a sentence, on trick is to read your writing aloud, and add a period any time you find yourself pausing naturally.
I very interested to see how everyone interacts with each other once they get to Hogwarts! :)
Author's Response: Thank you for the reviewing the second chapter as well, I really appreciate that:D
Yeah I wanted a breezy/humorous tone, as they are teenagers, so they aren't that serious, though in the later chapters it does get a darker for a bit.
And yes introducing tension, I thought that it would show how much their relationship is going to change, and how the tension already seems to be there. And I'm glad that you liked the girls interactions!
Thanks for giving me tips, on breaks and periods, as I tend to be awful in that respect, even when I do read aloud, as I'm a naturally fast speaker, I'll need to do it at a slower pace!
I'm glad that you liked it, and the tips were really useful, so thanks again! Kiana :)