Hey!! Here for your requested review =)
Haha, this was a lovely first chapter to the story, certainly different from everything I've ever read so far on the site (but of course that's not a vast limit, since I mostly stick to angst and stuff).
Anyway, to start off with your concerns, I think you used the Mary Sue traits perfectly! I think Peony is extremely Mary Sue, and probably no other character can get as much Mary Sue as her, so I see how you won the first place in the challenge xD
The chapter was most certainly over-the-top, quite ridiculous in ways, and had a couple of cliches, but it all gave the story this humorous edge that totally went along with the theme, and I enjoyed it in a way! After all, the entire point of this story is to be over-the-top, so of course this opening chapter did a great job of it!
I think you've used all the main characteristics of Mary sue cliche stories and made them into a great parody, yet maintained a certain kind of originality, or I should say given it your own "different" feel, as well, which is good. Basically, what I am trying to say is, despite this being a parody-ish story, you have maintained a coherent plot concept which is commendable. The twist with Squiggles' death (and judging by the summary, more upcoming deaths too) is a nice touch to give the story a flavour of comprehension, sense, and originality, so it works alongside the Mary Sue parody theme, without getting boring or annoying to read.
The flow was pretty smooth, and the grammar was okay too except for the misplaced punctuation in the dialogues in a few places which I suggest you correct by re-reading or getting a beta =)
Apart from that, I don't have any CC to give you. This made for a queer funny read, and I liked it. It is not usually the kind of thing I read, but I enjoyed it nonetheless!
Author's Response: Hi there!
I'm glad you found the Mary Sue traits to be used appropriately. I really tried to go all out, and still make this story my own, while staying true to the cliche' factory. I know that seems a bit counter intuitive, but then this story is rather queer in that sense.
I'll look into the misplaced punctuation in the dialogue tags. Right now, all I see is a bunch of overused exclamation marks, which were on purpose. If you found other punctuation issues, I'd love it if you could point those out to me. I like to be clean.
Thanks so much for your review! I might bug you for another, if that's alright. ;)