|Review:||Courtney Dark says:|
Hello there! Thanks so much for re-requesting!
I can see that from the first chapter to this one you have definitely warmed up into your writing, characters and plot line. I love that some of your characters, especially Sirius and Marlene are beginning to become very well characterized; their personalities even more defined.
Your characterization of Marlene is very unique and original-I haven't seen a lot of characters like her in the world of fanfiction, especially not in the Marauders era. I really like the fact that she seems quite prim and proper-not exactly snobbish, but like she's come from a different era to all the rest. It almost gives her an air of separation from the rest, and makes her quite mysterious-I'd be eager to find out more about her back story and her family-why she speaks on such a formal way and such.
If there's one suggestion I could make for this chapter, it would be to slow down, take your time and let things occur at a natural pace. The flow of this chapter is a little awkward at times, and I think this is mainly because an awful lot of it is dialogue. Dialogue is good, but it can be improved when surrounded by imagery and inner thoughts. Thought processes, details and descriptions can also really help with the pace of a chapter so watch out for that.
I liked Sirius' line about James making an awful Quidditch captain, because it showed a little of their friendship, and also hinted at how Quidditch mad his best friend is. I also like how James insisted on informing everyone that Lily took Muggle studies-that was very cute-and Sirius' reaction was perfect! I really liked this bit: 'Sirius nodded towards the mugglestudies doorway where Lily stood, her hands placed over her hips leaning against the doorway, the sunlight catching her face making her freckles more prominent than ever. Lilyís red hair tied tightly in a bun with a few strands coming undone. James stared for a second before noticing she was sending him a nasty glare.' Not only was the fact that Lily was glaring at James very in character, the flow of this particular piece was very smooth-partly because of the way you described Lily's appearance. Just remember though, it's Muggle Studies, not Mugglestudies.
It was very cute how Marlene was able to get rid of Sir Cadogan (who was a nice addition to the chapter, by the way) and I am looking forward to seeing how her relationship with Sirius develops.
There were quite a few distracting grammar and spelling mistakes scattered throughout this chapter, so I would suggest going back and making some edits to get rid of all of those. Remember that when a person is speaking on a new line, their first word should always start with a capital and when they finish speaking, there should be some form of punctuation whether that be a full stop, a question mark or an exclamation mark.
And if in doubt, always remember one of my favourite writing rules: Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Thanks again for re-requesting! I hope I can be of some help.
Author's Response: Thank-you so much for reviewing, You have been soo helpful.
I'm so glad you like Marlene, she's one of my favorite characters I've ever written. Through-out the story it has everything about her back story and it's killing me so much not to give it away :)
I'm definitely going to re-do these 2 chapter over the weekend (keeping the same plot) but taking in account all the things that you and other people have said (I am so incredibly grateful for your help... have I said that before?) and i'll be sure to change all the Muggle studies to Mugglestudies :D
Thank you for your help, so, so, so, so much. I really want to hug you right now your that amazing *hugs*