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Review:DahliasQuill says:
Hello. Just a few quick grammatical errors:

“No! It’s your fault” he called over his shoulder as he trampled over Remus’s sleeping body who gave a sudden gave a jolt in shock.- The second "gave a" should be removed.

“you two, seriously?- The y in you needs to be capitalized.

“Thanks Mooney! I can see were I’m going now”- there's no "e"in Moony and were should be where. The were-where mistake occurs multiple times throughout the chapter.

It seems as if the only time you use punctuation is in a question. Periods and commas are very important within writing. They allow the reader to understand your tone and inflections. Also remember that punctuation is also necessary within quotations.

"for four year"- years.

“Yes, but you didn’t cause you know I’d have made it wetter”- 'cause.

There are a few more mistakes throughout the story. If I were you I would go through and proofread this chapter.

Overall, I had a hard time focusing on the point you were trying to get across. Try and make it flow a little better. It was a little broken. also, try to develop the personalities of each individual character. They all were kind of mushed together as if they were all the same character.

The Marauders were tricksters of course but also very intelligent (Like Fred and George), with the exception of Peter. Here they just seem childish. Try to incorporate witty humor.

On a more positive note, I enjoyed the water in the bed bit. Overall, I think you can take this places with just a few adjustments. There isn't much of a plot in this chapter, but I do enjoy the little bit that there is.

I plead you not to be discouraged by my review. I am a very critical person and I can always find something to fix. What you have so far is good.

Good job.


Author's Response: Thank-you so much for the response, you weren't being harsh at all and anyway I prefer brutally honest rather than being nice... it gets me no where if your nice all the time :D
I'll be sure to go over all the grammar and spelling mistakes, infact i'm thinking about getting a beta reader, just to help me out because I really do want this story too be successful.
I think in the first chapter the characters full personality's havn't been shown yet that will develop so much further into later chapter, so I think thats the reason that the character all seem a little mushed together because i'm trying not too give too much away... i'm proabbly trying too hard infact which is why they all don't seem so different.
I've purposly tried to mae them quite childish to show how in later chapters they eventually grow older and maturer and start to get a glimpse into the 'real world'.
No, there isn't much of a plot in this chapter, i'm slowly easing into the story line and the first chapter was just an introduction to the story :D

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