|Review:||Roots in Water says:|
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
And so we get a glimpse into the famous world of the Marauders! :) I think that overall you did a good job with your characterization of them. It was nice to see them heading straight back into the pranking business and of course Sirius would have to be a talented liar- how else would he attempt to get out of detention? His slightly dramatic air was funny to read and will surely make for some interesting narration in the future.
As well, Remus' worry over losing his Prefect badge was very well done, as Remus definitely seems to be the sort to worry over criticisms from figures of authority.
I did like how Peter was slightly shy and nervous, as he never had the backbone that Sirius and James did. However, I didn't like Sirius' negative thoughts towards him as much. I would have thought that if Sirius truly didn't like Peter all that much that he would have told him and the Marauders four would have become the Marauders three. After all, I got the impression that the Marauders were all close together (though James and Sirius were the closest).
I liked the addition of Sirius' name at the top. It wasn't overstated but it definitely made it clear the point of view of the chapter!
I thought that the flow of the chapter was good! You took your time in the scenes and didn't rush the dialogue or the interactions between characters. However, I was a little surprised when Remus jumped into the conversation as I had thought that they were waiting for him... Perhaps if you included a little bit more description of the setting it would be easier to follow along with the characters' movements. After all, good dialogue is only one half of the story. :)
I think that you're doing a good job of moving the story along. It's only chapter three and already we're in Hogwarts and you've established tensions not only between Lily and James but also between Thalia and Sirius. I liked how you mentioned that they actually got along alright when they dropped the animosity they held towards each other because of their friends.
I did notice a few typos as I went through and I'll point them out to you now. To begin, with the phrase "prefect's badge, who in the right mind would make me or James prefect!", I would switch the comma for a semi-colon and the "the" to "their". As well, I noticed that you tended to forget the punctuation between the end of the dialogue and the quotation mark. For example, with the phrase "be pretty spectacular" I reminded him", there would be a comma after "spectacular" but before the quotation mark. With "Slytherin's" it should be "Slytherins", since you're discussing plural Slytherins, not the possession of a Slytherin and with the phrase "of a detention, I sometimes" I would replace the comma with either a semi-colon or a period. As well, with the phrase "The boys also realising" I would put a comma after "boys" and with "Anyway, why arenít you two with the others I thought you guys were inseparable?", I would separate it into two sentences after "others". I would do the same with "you yet, your friends" after "yet". Finally, with "meant want she said", I believe you meant "what" not "want". If you want any clarification, just PM me. :)
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter. You had some great interactions between the Marauders and between the two friend groups. You also established some of the plot, but not in an overly obvious manner, which is great. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!
Author's Response: Hi, thank you for leaving such a detailed review, I really appreciate the time you put into this :)
I'm glad that you liked the Marauders, yes Sirius does seem to have a talent for liar, and acting, he is mad now, but he will calm down over the years! And Remus of course he would worry over his badge, he is quite the worrier, I'm glad you thought that worked well!
I do feel bad about making Peter the outsider, so in the later chapters I do try and make him feel more welcome, and he does get a bit more prominent part, it's just hard to write him as a nice character, when you know how he ends up!
Yes I thought it was important to have the name at the top, just so the reader isn't confused, and I'm glad you didn't thik it was too prominent, as that's what I wanted it to be:)
I'm glad that you thought it flowed nicely, and I'll go back and perhaps a sentence or two about how Remus ended up there, as I can now see why his sudden appearance may have been confusing!
I'm glad that you liked the relations with James/Lily, Sirius/Thalia, I wanted to show that just because that both of them being best friends with Jilly, meant that they had to hate each other all the time! I mean eventually they will end up together, so I thought it would be more plausible if they did sort of like each other, when they forget that they were meant to hate one another!
Aw thank you so much on pointing out the grammar mistakes it's so useful! I will definitely go back and change them! I'm so bad at grammar, that if someone shows me where I've gone wrong, I can improve from it, so thank you for doing that :)
Yes your comments were extremely helpful! You're such a detailed reviewer it was so nice to see:D Thank you again for this wonderful review!