Hey it's patronus_charm with your review :)
I thought it was a great idea to start with a list of facts, as that way you get the basic knowledge of the character. And it was a really interesting way of presenting, as incorporating it into the text often gets boring, and I've never seen this before so it a nice original idea :)
It was nice to see that Marcia was not the coolest of people, more unpopular, and bad at sport as then she's more relatable to the reader, so we get to like her more, as she does have her imperfections.
I liked all the quintessialy British things in here such as netball, primary and seconday schools and building societies, even they were minor details, it was nice to see. As Harry Potter is a really British book, and a lot of people tend to forget that, so it was nice to spot those things.
I liked how you introduced some tension, over where her father is, I thought it was a good idea as adding a bit of mystery and suspense into a story, always makes people want to read on, so they can find out what happens.
I thought the part when Marcia's mother getting Diagon Alley mixed up with horizontal, was funny, and really clever, as I've never realised that Diagon Alley sounds like diagonal.
A couple of CC's, I would have perhaps liked more on Marcia's first time in Diagon Alley, as that part is when people really start accepting that they're magical. I also noticed a couple of misplaced capital letters, and some of your paragraphs were a little on the long side of things, so breaking them up will improve the flow:)
Overall I thought it was a really good chapter, as you've introduced an interesting character, who has some mystery attatched to her, and the plot's really good as well, and it's believable! Feel free to re-request as I have a feeling this story is going to get very interesting, Kiana :)
Author's Response: Hey!
I'm glad you liked it, it sort of came as an idea because I'd written all my character's info and stuff down anyway. I thought(hoped) it'd be interesting for the reader to know a little too. :)
Teehee, cool people are so boring! Well, to write about anyway, ;) but yeah, even though she does get quite good at a certain airborne sport, she still retains imperfections, even if they're not the same ones. I can't stand reading about these perfect people, so I try not to write them either. :P
Oh wow! I never really thought of them as British until you mentioned them, but I suppose they are. I guess it's easier for me, being British and all, but I do try to stay away from using Americanisms that I've picked up from Films and stuff in my description :D
Yeah, I love to include a teensy bit, just to keep people wondering ;) and I realise that I've made it obvious(ish) that he is a wizard, due to her blood status, and I'm still trying to figure out how we'll find out who he is :P But it will happen, promise!
Another review mentioned making the Diagon bit longer and more detailed, so I think I definitely will be doing that! Although I think I'll wait until I'm in a descriptive mood, I'll need it :P
I have an awful habit of throwing capitals in at random, so I'll comb through for them - thanks for pointing it out - and I'll break up some of those dauntingly long paragraphs ;)
I'm glad you liked it, and thought Marcia was a bit mysterious! It's something I've never quite managed before! Thank you so much for reviewing, this has been awesome!
- Em ;)